Recently, I made a trip to Han’s Skate Shoppe, the spiritual home base for the 1992 Pee Wee Champion Mighty Ducks. Located in the heart of District 5, it was here that I caught up with Greg Goldberg, the team’s legendary goalie. Goldberg may not be standing guard at the hockey net anymore, but he’s standing guard at the shop’s broom closet as the store’s assistant head janitor. Goldberg, now 32 years old, sat down to give me some revealing insight into what REALLY happened to the Ducks when the cameras weren’t rolling.
WILLIE SIMPSON: First question, whats that smell?
GREG GOLDBERG: Ha ha. Very funny. Wasn’t me, alright.
WS: So Goldberg, how did you end up working at Han’s Skate Shoppe?
GG: Well, let me think back. The Ducks had just beaten Varsity, and Hans died, and Bombay took over the shop, and I flunked outta prep school, and the whole time I was really hungry, so… long story short- I turned my hockey stick into a mop, and 17 years later, the rest is history.
WS: A long way from your heroic hockey days, huh?
GG: Hey! Knock it off! I’m doing just fine, alright. Like, when I clog the toilet, I plunge it before I flush. In a way, its another save for Goldberg.
WS: Sounds like your doing great, what about the other Ducks?
GG: Eh, good and bad, from what I hear, Charlie’s doing pretty well. He grew a mustache… got a tabby cat… And- oh yeah- he’s in a mental institution. Apparently he went crazy because he never made it to the NHL. Yeah… its messed up. I called him up once, and he thinks he plays first line for the Minnesota North Stars. I was like, “Oh really? I never see you play.” And he said that’s because he plays on the Moon.WS: I see. How about Charlie’s mom, did she ever tie the knot with Coach Bombay?
GG: Nah, they were never really serious, y’know? You see, what the movie didn’t show, was that the Coach hooked up with most of our moms. Mine included. He’s a real MILF Hunter.
WS: Wait. What?
GG: It really split up the Goldberg family when Pops came home one night and found Bombay in bed with Mom. Hey, I was mad too, but we got over it. We’re family, and he’s my coach.
WS: Wow, that’s surprising, the Coach seems really wholesome in the film.
GG: Yeah, well, that’s the image that the filmmakers wanted for all of us. But come on, we were the champs, and the movie made us big stars, everyone wanted a piece of us, and we were up for it. We were kids y’know? We wanted to party.
WS: What was that like? Being big stars and partying?
GG: Oh, well, we just went crazy. Remember that time when we went to Rodeo Drive and had those hot women model clothes for us? Well, what the movie didn’t show was we got to diddle them, y’know what I mean? There we were, a bunch of 14 year olds, having SEX with grown women! I think one of them was French. And THEN we got kicked out of the store.
WS: Wow, so you were all very experienced for such a young age.
GG: Well, all of us besides Averman. By the time the Junior Goodwill Games rolled around, he was only virgin left on the team. No one liked him. He had all these corny jokes that no one laughed at. I mean if you watch the movie closely, you can see how annoying he was. I don’t think anyone ever talks to him face to face unless if its to shut up.
WS: What happened to him?
GG: Last I heard, he quit hockey and was doing stand up. But I have no idea really, no one talks to him.
WS: What can you tell us about Connie?
GG: Her? Yeah well, she was just crazy. She hooked up with Guy Germaine a few times. They were each others firsts, y’know? But she got all obsessed with him after he dumped her in high school. Guy’s mom had to talk to her mom to get her to stop calling him and writing creepy love letters.
WS: It was that bad?
GG: Yeah, Guy used to show ‘em to me. She took the Duck thing way too far. She wanted to make a nest for their ducklings, and she kept calling him Quacky. Whatever, she moved to LA and became a stripper or something.
WS: A stripper? Connie?
GG: Eh, maybe ballerina, I don’t know.
WS: You don’t know difference between a strip club and the ballet?
GG: What’s the difference? They both get the job done.
WS: Lets go back to the partying. From what you mentioned, it seemed very crazy. What happened?
GG: Oh, well, we were like rockstars. One time I threw a rave in my parents deli late at night. The whole team was there, even Bombay! Everyone was on E. We destroyed the place. The cops came, but they covered it all up. No one EVER got busted. I SWEAR I remember seeing Fulton and Portman, the Bash Brothers, double-team Julie The Cat! They were the biggest party animals. They were all so wasted that night.
WS: The Bash Brothers had three way sex with Julie, the team’s other goalie?
GG: Uh, yeah, what can I say. They kept trying to top each other.
WS: Ok, lets shift gears. By the time D2 came out, you were all big stars, but not everyone was along for the ride. What happened to Carp, Peter, Timmy, Tammy, and Jesse’s Brother?
GG: Egos man, egos. Hah, that and some crazy shit.
WS: What do you mean? Can you get into that?
GG: Sure. First of all, I’m to blame for Timmy and Tammy leaving.
WS: How so?
GG: Banks dared me to hit it. So I did. I fucked Tammy, alright?! Why is that so impossible to believe?! Anyway, Timmy found out and threw a bowling ball at my head. He made Tammy quit the team, and I never saw her again. My heart was broken, and I never had sex again.
WS: Unbelievable. What about Carp and Peter?
GG: They wanted more playing time. But they were awful. Bombay didn’t want to be the one to tell them, so he made Fulton do it. They were so scared that we never saw them again.
WS: What happened to Coach O’Rielly?
GG: That’s another thing they kept out of the movie. After he lost to us, he got a heart attack while we were celebrating, and died on the ice. When we all realized he was dead, it kinda took the fun out of it.
WS: Where’s Fulton?
GG: He choreographs the Rockettes on Broadway. Just kidding, he’s my boss actually. Head janitor here at the shop.
WS: Oh, do you like working with your former teammate?
GG: Hey, yeah, that’s what I thought, that it’d be real fun to work with Fulton, but he’s a real turd. He can still whack things really hard, and he’s always like, “Hey goalie, block this,” and he smacks a coke can right at my head. I swear, when Bombay promotes me to head janitor things will be different.
Just then, Fulton walks into the room.
Fulton: Hey, fatty, back to work or I’ll cream ya!
GG: Geez alright, Fulton! Listen I gotta go, you’re gonna get me in trouble.
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