Our favorite class from Bayside High has been out for some time now, having gone off to college (and subsequently, the real world). That’s all well and good for them, but they left all their loyal fans with so many questions! We never found out if Slater’s dad ever truly embraced his son’s wrestling career after AC passed on going to West Point. And whatever happened to Max, the magical comedian who was the always keeping the gang’s spirits up with his goofy antics? But most importantly, we never learned if Zach, Slater, Kelly, Jesse, Lisa, and Screech ever had sex! Luckily, we’re all much older now and more sophisticated, allowing us the ability to put our collective heads together and really figure out who was knockin’ boots, and who was striking out.
Lets start at the bottom of the totem pole with Screech. Was Screech a virgin? Well, you’d be quick to say yes, but on closer examination, its a slow, but certain NO. That’s right, Screech got laid, not on the reg, but definitely more then once. Still don’t think its true? Well let’s look a closer look. Screech was a nerd with an incurable case of dorkwaditis, but, he was the KING of the nerds at Bayside. His best friend, Zach, RAN the school, and his girlfriend Violet, WORSHIPED HIM! Because of said worship, it NEVER crossed Screech’s mind to ever change his crazy hammer-pants, his polka dot shirts, or horrible Jew-Fro hairstyle! And why would he? He had a winning combination. No man as smart as Screech would go on being an annoying geek bucket if it wasn’t paying dividends in the sack! Also, if Screech was a virgin, why was he constantly brimming with social confidence? Screech never exhibited the self-loathing hatred of the world that characterizes most virgin nerds, and that is why, Screech got laid.
Next on deck is Lisa Turtle. Total virgin. Why? Well, granted, Lisa is a beautiful, rich, spoiled brat whom you might imagine had plenty of opportunities to get it on with any guy she liked. But if you examine her situation more closely, you realize that Lisa’s parents had her sex life on total lockdown. She gets whatever she wants whether its a luxury car, a gold card, trendy clothes, and she doesn’t even have to work the summer when the rest of the gang is stuck baking clams for Mr. Carosi at the Malibu Sands Beach Club! This lifestyle all comes at a high price in the form of nosy, judgmental, controlling parents. Lisa is a good student, hardly gets into real trouble, and hangs out with a bunch of corny white people. Sure, she goes on dates and likes boys plenty, but its all about high school social status, not real intimacy. Why should she defy her parents to slut it up when she has so MUCH to lose. For Lisa, there will be plenty of time to meet a rich wealthy playboy and marry him and start a family. She’s in no rush to go crazy in high school.
Ok, lets talk about Slater and Jessie. I lump these two together because its obvious they lumped each other together…IN BED! This one is very easy to break down. Jessie is a high maintenance over achieving bitch, masking her insecurities behind a veil of militant feminist revulsion for male swarminess. It seems like a recipe for isolation, and it would be, if not for Jessie’s stunning beauty. Jessie’s embrace of feminism likely stems from her ambitious intelligence working in overdrive to keep all the pathetic boys at school from drooling over her all day. But why go for Slater? He’s a type A meat-head jock who does nothing but fight with her whenever they try and communicate. They have nothing in common. For Jessie, Slater is the gatekeeper to the realm of forbidden musty delights. Because she is way more intelligent then him, she can easily control him with her sex, and the promise for more. He is an utterly whipped boy toy who most likely was sworn to secrecy in regards to their midnight trysts in Mr. Belding’s office. Slater would never even attempt to brag about it to Zach, because he knows he couldn’t possibly find anyone better then Jessie in High School, and why screw up the perfect high school romance, i.e. meaningless sex with the second hottest girl in school.
Let’s talk about Kelly. Kelly, not Jessie, is the hottest girl in school, and she knows it. She loves the attention her beauty brings, and uses it to date a lot of choice guys. She’s a sweet, innocent girl who has safe good ole’ fashioned American fun with the boys in her school by going to dances, the beach, and pep rallies. However, when she catches the attention of an older man, her inhibitions go out the door, and she becomes insatiable for their approval, love, and yes, sex. Its obvious that Kelly lost her virginity to Jeff, her boss at the Max, and was probably more devastated by his eventual betrayal then any breakup she ever had with Zach. When she got to college, she fell hard for Professor Laskey. She pursued him with the obsessed passion that only a 19 year old daddy issues crazed girl can, and bedded him. How do we have proof that she did in fact go all the way with Jeff and Laskey? Well, you don’t go after older suave, sophisticated, hunks like those guys while safeguarding your Christian chastity. This is California after all, not Kansas. As we know, Kelly only gives it up for older dudes, and this left one Zach Morris in quite the pickle.
Zach Morris, also known as the King of Cool, but really, was the King of Virgins. Zach is the most popular guy in school. He’s tall, blond, smart, and pretty. Seems like a winning combination, but when you are trying to win the ultimate prize in high school, it takes all that plus tons of luck to take that trophy home. Every strength Zach has works against him. His good looks made him extremely vain, thus forcing him to compete in the awfully tough field of flawlessly beautiful women. His popularity comes with the baggage of a reputation for being a heartless girl chaser. Girls know exactly what they’re getting into when the agree to go on a date with Zach Morris. There is no mystery to him at all. And lastly, Zach is way too smart for his own good. His cunning and intelligence always works against him as he only puts it for the use extremely selfish reasons in extremely unstable conditions. He is always shooting for the moon, and usually pays for his hubris. The closest he ever got was with Stacey Carosi. And to get her to fall completely for him, he had to go through the near impossible task of winning the respect of Stacey’s hard-assed father, who was also his boss at the time. Only when he finally cleared all the obstacles, and had her, the summer ended, and she moved back to New York. Did they do it? I’m going to say no, because part of me suspects Zach was into Stacey mostly for the challenge, not the prize. For Zach, the ultimate prize was Kelly. His obsession with winning her led to his continued virginity, forcing him to go crazy and outright do everything he could to try and marry her in his freshmen year at college just to have her in bed. All the while he had to watch older men succeed so easily where he failed, making his fantasy of being each others firsts crumble into bitterness. Instead of getting a pristine high school cheerleading goddess, he ended up with the confused hooters waitress with unresolved daddy issues that Kelly became in college. All of this unhealthy pining for Kelly probably really ended up screwing Zach over, as he could have gotten over his sexual fantasies with a number of ready and willing girls, and then re-focused his energies into exploring more substantial dreams that could have led him to fame and fortune. Instead, he is stuck in a dead end marriage with his damaged goods high school sweetheart, and with Kelly being Catholic, probably has a baby on the way that he has no hope in supporting financially.
Well, delving into the private sex lives of our Bayside buddies was an adventure in itself, but at least we can now all rest soundly knowing exactly what Zach, Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, Slater, and Screech were up to after the bell rang, and class got out.
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