Sand and wave proprietors! Ocean lodge officials! Do you wish to improve your resort’s membership levels and provide improved services to said members? Well look no further, friend, because the great LEON CAROSI is here to offer you his top secret tricks of the beach resort trade!

Step #1 – No Zack Morris’s!

When selecting your resort’s staff, it’s extremly important to choose employees who are submissive, malleable, and generally afraid of you! Zack Morris fits neither of these descriptions! Do not hire a Zack Morris! He will dine in the member’s restaurant on his lunch breaks! He will mock you for your weight problems behind your back! He will not vote for Stacey at the 4th of July paegent even though you placed him on the judge’s panel for the sole reason that he vote for her!!! While we’re at it, do not hire a Screech Powers as well! Actually, any employee who is recommended by Lisa Turtle’s family should be strictly avoided!

Step #2 – Put Your Hard Nosed Daughter from New York in Charge!

My beautiful daughter, Stacey (a proud Carosi in her own right!), will know how to seperate the sand slaves from the beach bums off the staff! She may be a long way from the mean streets of New York City, but squashing California Zack’s spirit isn’t very different from squashing the guts of a common cockroach in a New York City dwelling!

Step #3 – Beat North Beach at the Intra-resort Volleyball Game!

Everyone will know which resort has the superior volleyball team when Zack’s friend’s come together to win the annual game.  Remember, because winning is all important, its OK to eat your hat when the score is close!

Step #4 – Underpay the Kitchen Staff!

Need to cut costs? Look no further than the salaries of your kitchen staff! If they demand a raise, give ‘em the boot! Unless, of course, the resort is double booked with a Sweet 16 and 50th Anniversary party… Well then, you’re screwed this time, my friend, and you’ll have to give ‘em a raise! BUT! Just know that in the end, YOU will have the higher hand, YOU will crush their tiny spirits, YOU are the great LEON CAROSI!

Step #5 – CRAIGGGGG STRANNNNNNNNNND!!!!

Your resort (and you) can only profit from Stacey being ‘pinned’ by a wealthy frat boy from Harvard! That’s ‘pinned’, as in Craig’s frat pin, you gutter scum- what were you thinking of!? Unless of course, you’re reading this and you ARE Craig Strand… In that case, Craig, I must apologize! You may pin Stacey in which ever way you please! Now… how about sharing some of your father’s stock tips with me!

Step #6 – Apply Your Voice to a Popular Disney Character!

Hakuna Matata! Sound familiar? That’s because I said it- me, Pumba, from The Lion King! If you don’t think that doing a character in a Disney movie hasn’t boosted business, you’re terribly pea brained! But about that “worry free philosophy”. Don’t buy into it! I’ll tell ya about a real philosophy- it includes a lot of full time worrying!

Step #7 – Don’t Let People Confuse You with Nathan Lane!

Although I highly respect Mr. Lane’s work as an actor, this does not make it acceptable for people to confuse the two of you! If a member of your beach club makes this mistake, kindly remind them of their error! If an EMPLOYEE makes the same mistake, I insist that you fire them on the spot!