Buzz’s Guide to Beating Off

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Willie Simpson @ 4:19 pm March 13, 2010

Picture 1Hey, pukebreath. Congratulations. You found my article.

Don’t act like you don’t know who I am. I know you’ve seen the movies; the ones about my little jerk brother and the dumb things he does when he’s home alone. Well screw that little scroat, cuz it’s Buzz’s time to shine.

So why did I write this guide?? Dumb question. Didn’t you see how many brothers and sisters, moms and dads, pizza boys and burglars I had living, visiting and burglarizing my house? Way too many. For the young, aspiring masturbator, this may as well have been a ‘No Spank Zone.’ But it was under these conditions that I’ve been able to develop only the most highly regarded jacking-off techniques available on the internet today.

Now before we begin, I wanna lay down some ground rules. I’m not gay, I have a hot girlfriend, and I didn’t enjoy writing this.  Let just say you caught me on a good day, and I feel sorry for all you losers.  I really do. Ok, you ready to start beating off?

NOT SO FAST!  PUT THAT MEAT BACK IN ITS PANTS!

Take a look around you, pukebreath. Anything wrong?  Uh- duh. Your bedroom door is slightly ajar, idiot. And do you know where your sister and her best friend are?? Course you don’t. Well they’re about to play Twister in the TV room across the hall. But here’s a real shocker for ya- they can’t seem to find the spinner that they need for the game. Any clue where could it be? Oh, now you remember- it’s in YOUR ROOM.  What’s this all add up to? Well, laughs and screams to begin with, soon giving way to a talk with your dad, which may then have the long term consequence of a trip to military school, or in the ultimate worst case scenario- prison. Don’t believe me?  That’s fine. You’re gay for reading this anyway. (more…)

Home Alone Review

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! Ken inadvertently goes all Macaulay Culkin on Will, but fortunately the pain is washed away by the deliciously out-of-season holiday treat of Home Alone.