Hey, pukebreath. Congratulations. You found my article.
Don’t act like you don’t know who I am. I know you’ve seen the movies; the ones about my little jerk brother and the dumb things he does when he’s home alone. Well screw that little scroat, cuz it’s Buzz’s time to shine.
So why did I write this guide?? Dumb question. Didn’t you see how many brothers and sisters, moms and dads, pizza boys and burglars I had living, visiting and burglarizing my house? Way too many. For the young, aspiring masturbator, this may as well have been a ‘No Spank Zone.’ But it was under these conditions that I’ve been able to develop only the most highly regarded jacking-off techniques available on the internet today.
Now before we begin, I wanna lay down some ground rules. I’m not gay, I have a hot girlfriend, and I didn’t enjoy writing this. Let just say you caught me on a good day, and I feel sorry for all you losers. I really do. Ok, you ready to start beating off?
NOT SO FAST! PUT THAT MEAT BACK IN ITS PANTS!
Take a look around you, pukebreath. Anything wrong? Uh- duh. Your bedroom door is slightly ajar, idiot. And do you know where your sister and her best friend are?? Course you don’t. Well they’re about to play Twister in the TV room across the hall. But here’s a real shocker for ya- they can’t seem to find the spinner that they need for the game. Any clue where could it be? Oh, now you remember- it’s in YOUR ROOM. What’s this all add up to? Well, laughs and screams to begin with, soon giving way to a talk with your dad, which may then have the long term consequence of a trip to military school, or in the ultimate worst case scenario- prison. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. You’re gay for reading this anyway.
Ok. If you’re still reading this, that means you’ve heeded my advice. ALWAYS CLOSE YOUR DOOR. NEVER LEAVE IT SLIGHTLY OPEN OR ALMOST CLOSED. If you can absorb this advice, you’re one step higher on The Pyramid of Buzz’s Pleasure Castle.
Alright, back to me. So now, I want everyone to pull out their stash.
WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY! HIDE THAT JUNK BETTER!
I swear to God, I oughta throw you down a flight of stairs. That’s all you do to hide your porn?! Sticking it under the pile of comic books?! Listen to this. I keep my playboys under lock and key in my trunk, but hide my real dirty stuff in the floorboards in my closet. It’s one thing if your mom is cleaning your room, and finds all those old Playboys, but its another thing entirely when she finds your copy of Anal Sluts Monthly. It’s the difference between being grounded, and breaking your mom’s heart. But that’s enough talk about your mom- lets talk videos. Now I could make a whole book about this topic, but I’ll keep it short. A friend at the video store with access to the adult section is worth a hundred friends who like you for who you are inside. Also, be on the lookout for blind video store owners too, because if you find one, you’ll be in porno heaven.
So you finally think you’re ready to jerk the chain?? You got your door closed, your porn’s out, and your pants are down.
WHAT ARE YOU FREAKIN DOING!
You’re retarded birthmark on my ass. Don’t start yet- you still gotta make a quick trip to some Stop and Shop to stock up on essential items.
Ok, so you can either tell your mom you love her to drive you to the store, or hop your bike and ride downtown. It’s slightly drizzling out, and the ride is 5.3 mi, but your mom is going through menopause and she might ask you to clean the garage, so you might as well bike. Once there, you’re gonna need this list of things: tissues, baby oil, Vaseline, sanitizer wipes, a condom, a magnum condom, a tampon (it involves a prank) and a feast of snacks for later. Don’t be embarrassed about buying all this stuff. If anything, you’re probably reminding the checkout guy that he needs to beat it off when he gets home later. And if its a checkout girl, watch out! She’s gonna try and flirt with you! But you have better things to do, like beatin’ off all night long. Sorry babe, you’re not invited.
Well that’s it. The basics. But there is still a lot more to know. You’d think I’d share all my best secrets for free? It’s gonna cost you some serious dough, flemwad. So buy Buzz’s Advanced Guide to Beating Off, only USD 99.95, or I’ll kill you.
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