Time to Destroy the Mushroom Kingdom with Ninja Magic!

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 10:13 am May 28, 2010

Mario is a slow, fat, lazy, jumping plumber from Brooklyn.  The guy from Ninja Gaiden is an athletic, throwing star, flipping machine from the mountains of Japan!  Watch him destroy goombas, turtles, and the rest of Bower’s minions in this amazing video!

Space Elevator = Totally Rad

Filed under: Blog — Ken @ 5:47 pm May 27, 2010

You probably never thought scientists could get so smart, but guess what, they did. All they have to do is bring these sweet drawings to life, and we’ll all be partying on Uranus in no time. just don’t forget to bring the space weed.

Sega Activator Training Video

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 9:22 am May 25, 2010

The Sega Activator seemed amazing at the time, but of course this became one of the stupidest controllers ever.  For 80 bucks, you got a large ring that you stand in and wave your arms and legs about like an idiot.   Here is the set up and training video you got when you purchased the thing.

Still somehow think the Activator is cool?  Well that was a promotional video made by Sega, here is some actual dingbat TV hosts using the thing.  They are playing a 2D boxing game, and have to box 2 dimensionally while looking strait ahead at the screen.  This is really funny.

The Sega Master System is the Future!

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 12:25 pm May 21, 2010

I wonder if its just me, but video game commercials from the 1980s still sell me the future better then any modern video game advertisement.  Take a look at these ads for the classic Sega Master System.  There was something so amazingly other-worldly and awe inspiring about these things.  I love the glowing graph paper style motif going on in the whole thing.

My parents never bought me any video game systems, but when I was six or seven years old, my family had these friends we’d visit on Long Island somewhere, and they had a Sega Master System with all the accessories, and like 100 games.  I had never seen anything like it.  Whenever we went over, it was like stepping into one of these commercials, especially because I only had access to that stuff for an hour or two.

I love this last ad, here we learn about the Master System’s amazing features like scrolling backgrounds, 64 colors (not bits), and digital sounds!  And what’s that?  Holy shit, 3d video games???  This ad is so awesome that I want all this stuff right now…in 2010!!!

“Hey Sandy” Lyrics: Debating the Theme Song to Pete & Pete

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , , , — Ken @ 6:10 pm May 19, 2010

I think a lot of people would agree that part of what made “The Adventures of Pete & Pete” so great was the dreamy, alternarock soundtrack performed by the indie-rock band Polaris. The theme song, ”Hey Sandy”, was like a sweet, oozy dream syrup dripping into the happy glands of Generation Y’s collective brain sponge.

With the lush, green, suburban backdrop, this made for a completely unforgettable opening to one of the best kids show of all-time.

But to the naked ear, it’s impossible to decipher the lyrics to this song!

Well, thanks to the Internet, I was able to find a transcription:

HEY SANDY

Hey smilin’ strange
You’re lookin’ happily deranged
Could you settle to shoot me?
Or have you picked your target yet?

Hey Sandy
Don’t you talk back,
Hey Sandy

Four feet away
End of speech, it’s the end of the day
We was only funnin’
But guiltily I thought you had it comin’

Hey Sandy
Don’t you talk back,
Hey Sandy

Ohhhh-kayyyy… So that’s how it goes? The “Pete and Pete” theme song is a pre-Columbine ode to slacker violence?

“We was only “funnin’?”

No offence, Polaris, but this song is fucking stupid.

The Adventures of Pete & Pete Review

Was there ever a Kids TV show more magical, more subversive, and more fun than “The Adventures of Pete and Pete”? You wish, you blowhole! Just find a seat on the big orange couch- it’s time for The Nickelodeon Kid!

Paul Rudd Has Broken into Our Mainframe!

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 9:29 am May 15, 2010

Hackers are everywhere, but celebrity hackers are the worst.  Because of their large egos, they invariably use up the most resources.  Our security tapes recently caught Paul Rudd breaking into our Internetclub91 mainframe and using our more experimental software.

iPad Is the New Messagepad

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , — Ken @ 1:44 pm May 14, 2010

Ironically enough, with its’ new iPad commerical, Apple appears to be referencing its own prehistoric ancestor, the Newton Messagepad.

 

That’s pretty shameless on Apple’s part, but don’t you wish you had a Messagepad? It would make for great party tricks- like demonstrating how you can fax a document from your Messagepad to a fax machine (which you also brought to the party)(and set up in the bedroom without asking).

Classic Nickelodeon Commercials

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — Ken @ 7:05 pm May 13, 2010

3139114848_75120cd426_oIt’s easy to forgot how amazing Nickelodeon actually was until you rediscover the details that colored it in. Do you remember these 15 second bumpers? I probably saw these- oh, I don’t know- at least once during EVERY commercial break throughout the history of me watching Nickelodeon.

As I watched these again, I thought, it’s amazing how strongly these things were encoded into my kid-memory bank. I wonder how many times my little Ken brain actually absorbed these things. 150 times each? Easily. 300 might also be a good guesstimate. 500 perhaps?  Who knows. But even though 15+ years have passed, I can still remember each of these with the clairvoyance of a psychic. Watch, and see how well you can remember them.

1. THE LOCKERS

This one has a cool, simple direction. As the camera pans across a school hallway filled with kids, we slowly see the Nick logo painted on a wall of lockers. But wait- here comes one last, little pip-squeak to slam his locker shut, and the logo lights up brilliant Nick orange. Sweet. Nickelodeon did an exceptional job of branding in those days.

 

2. THE GYMNIST

The intensity. The grace. The drama. When you saw this bumper, you wondered what the hell you were watching. But then she sticks the landing and leaves a magical orange footprint on the mat. Now it makes sense- Nickelodeon rules.

3. STREET THEATER

Get ready to get funky fresh with this one. I know I did the 400 times I saw it growing up. I almost signed up for a dance class one time, but my Dad stopped me. Check the comments section on the YouTube page- the composer of the song actually left a message!

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Humanity Defeated by Urban Planning

Filed under: Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 12:00 am May 11, 2010

Check out this video where this guy Vincent Ocasla manages to beat an unbeatable game, ie Sim City 3000.  He spent years studying the efficiencies of Sim City design elements and ultimately created this masterpiece of a city known as Magnasanti.  It’s a city with the maximum population achievable, zero crime, and flawless transportation. The only downside that it’s an aesthetically uniform police state, with very high pollution,  and low life expectancy.  Watch, and fear for the future.

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