Herman Cain: I’ve Never Had Sex, Ever

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the latest woman to come forward and accuse Presidential GOP contender Herman Cain of an inappropriate extramarital affair, Mr. Cain held a press conference proclaiming, “I want to set the record strait, I’ve never had sex, ever, period.”

The shocking admission from Mr. Cain, which seemed to fly in the face of logic and common sense, was his latest defense in what he called, “an unfair leftist media assault on my personal life.”  Questions arose as to how legitimate these statements from Mr. Cain were, in light of the fact that he has been married for 43 years and has two children.  Mr. Cain responded to these questions with indignant brusqueness, “Where does it say that if a man gets married he has to have sex?  It happens all the time, I know millions of guys who get married and never have sex, ever.  It’s not uncommon, but its how I know that all these women are liars.”  Asked if his children were adopted, Mr. Cain took an even more defensive posture, “What kind of question is that?  These are my children.  Did you ever hear of Jesus?  His parents never had sex, next question.”

Mr. Cain’s statements regarding his children’s origins provided even more confusion and contributed to the circus like atmosphere that quickly enveloped the press conference.  When asked if he believed if his children were the products of immaculate conception Cain said, “Who knows, it happened in the Bible, I’m sure it happens all the time.  God has a plan for everyone, and he probably wants the man with immaculate children to run the free world.  It just makes sense.”  In closing, Mr. Cain stated, “This is the last time we will be discussing this, so for the record, I’ve never had sex, I don’t like sex, and I won’t have sex, thank you, and God Bless America.”  With that, Mr. Cain promptly left the stage.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall Commentary

File this under unintentional comedy. In this very real clip, the former Governor of California sits down for a DVD commentary of the classic Total Recall, and really takes you behind the film, getting about you a micrometer under its surface.  If brevity is the soul of wit, Arnold should teach a masters class on the subject.  Trust me, this is hilarious.

On Thanksgiving, Michelle Bachmann Thankful to all the Idiots

MINNESOTA- Michelle Bachmann, US Congresswoman and 2012 GOP competitor for the Presidency, issued a warm Thanksgiving message to all of her followers, especially to the “idiots everywhere who made my career possible.”  Her statement, released on behalf of her campaign, included the following remarks,

“Thanksgiving, America’s greatest holiday, is of course a time for giving thanks.  The tradition started hundreds of years ago when the Christian Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in peace and goodwill.  The Indians however, forever savage in their Satanically Godless ways, met the Angelic Pilgrims with suspicion and fear.  Scientists from Bob Jones University speculate that this was due to the light emanating from the Pilgrims’ alabaster white skin, which burned the Indians’ evil and naked flesh.  Despite this, the Pilgrims showered the local Indians with gifts of pant-leggings, Christian shame, alcohol, and malaria.  With trust established, and the Indians converted to the teachings of Jesus Christ through the awesome power of the Pilgrim’s charity, a feast was held and thanks were exchanged.  The Pilgrim’s heartily thanked the Indians for being allowed to share their sacred lands.  The Indians were so touched by the Pilgrims love of their land, that they promised to move away forever to Northern Canada and become Eskimos.  The lesson of the giving thanks still holds true to this day.  As I find myself in a race for the White House, I too must give thanks to everybody who put me in this position to succeed.  I want to thank the Evangelicals for their belief that only the most ardent literal believers in the teachings of Jesus Christ should be President.  I want to also thank the Conservative Jews for their desire to back people like myself who hate Muslims.  I want to thank the Tea Party, who never let reason and common sense get in the way of the raw emotional discord and terror that drives the movements engine of intolerance.  I also want to thank all the homophobes, the loners, the racists, the anti-Semites, the gun nuts, the undereducated, the jealous, the hysterical, and the paranoid masses.  And lastly, I want to thank the idiots everywhere who have made my career possible.  You are the ones that have elevated my rantings and egocentric desires for power and prestige, to the main stage of American politics.  Without you, I would not be where I am today.  God Bless.”


Romney Pledges More Misleading Obama Ads

WASHINGTON DC -  At an impromptu press conference held in Washington last night, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney responded to the media firestorm created by his campaign’s new ad which deliberately took a line Barrack Obama spoke out of context.  With a vigor not yet seem from notoriously stiff candidate, Romney not only promised more misleading ads, but proclaimed, “You ain’t seen n0thin’ yet.”

Romney, also took the opportunity to address the issue of Republican apathy towards his own campaign, stating, “This ad is only the beginning.  Once the voters of my party wake up and realize they are not handing the keys of the GOP machine over to a womanizing pizza man, a brain dead moron from Texas, or the mother from Carrie, it’ll be Mitt’s time to shine. “  When asked to explain what he meant about his “time to shine,” Romney responded indignantly, “Come on people!  Get real.  Unless I’ve been taking crazy pills, it’s clear that I’m gonna win this thing.  I’m white, handsome, and, as the son of a rich business man, voters somehow believe that I might know the secret to fixing the economy.  But I’m not here to talk about my qualifications, which are self-evident.”

Romney, normally criticized as appearing stiff and wooden, seemed more relaxed than he’s ever appeared in public.  Visibly loosening his tie, he began to wax poetic about the upcoming 2012 election.  “You know,  its amazing how in the first ad, which had just one line of Obama’s taken out of context, caused such a storm.  Can you imagine when the Republican machine and I start breaking out the greatest hits?  Hah!”  Asked to clarify what those “hits” might be, it seemed that Romney was fighting back laughter stating, “What?  What do you think?  Obama the socialist, Obama the secret Muslim, Obama the Nazi, and of course, the coup de grace, Obama’s birth certificate.  We’ve got hundreds of them warming in the bullpen.  And that’s just the tried and true stuff.  We’ve hired a team of professional science fiction writers to create thousands of stories.  I mean, have you ever seen the way Obama’s ears stick out?  Kinda Martian like, no?  Hahaha, but seriously, we’re gonna make people think Obama is an android from the Soviet Union when we’re through with him.”

In his closing remarks Romney took a more defensive stance when asked if his campaign had gone too far.  “Too far?  You can’t go too far!  This is exactly what America wants.  These baseless accusations and lies appease the wingnuts in my party, and they stir up the left into wasting their time countering them when they should be talking about the issues at hand.  It’s win-win!”

The White House having already issued a stark criticism of Romney’s first ad, calling it “deceitful” and “dishonest,” have yet to respond to Romney’s most recent comments that Obama is “a transgender KGB operative sent to poison America’s supply of milk, and that it makes sense if you think about it.”

Below is Romney’s first ad which contains the misleading line attributed to Obama…

UC Davis “Pepper Spray” Police Officer Enters GOP Presidential Race

DAVIS, CALIFORNIA- Infamous UC Davis police officer John Pike, who rose to national prominence after casually pepper-spraying a group of protesting college students, has thrown his hat in the ring for the GOP nomination for President.

Mr. Pike, who was recently placed on administrative leave for his controversial actions last Friday, announced his candidacy late last night proclaiming, “They can take away my baton, my badge, and my can of pepper-spray, but they can’t take away my country.  I won’t let them.  That is why, I, John Pike, will be running for President of  the United States.”  The move, which is already shaking up the race for the GOP crown, has been met with great enthusiasm by much of the Republican base, desperately seeking a solid candidate who they can back.  Mr. Pike spoke directly to the unsatisfied masses of conservatives who have grown weary of candidates plagued with shaky principles and sexual scandals stating, “Unlike my opponents, my record is untainted and proven, I will stand up to America’s enemies and I will pepper spray them right in the face.”  Interrupted by thunderous applause from those gathered at his rally, Pike shouted, “WITHOUT FLINCHING!”

As fervor for Mr. Pike picked up steam across America, which Pike’s handlers dubbed, “Pike Mania,” a boisterous rally broke out spontaneously in front of Mr. Pike’s Davis based motor-home.  Mr. Pike obliged the happy gatherers by greeting them with double fisted cans of pepper spray, urging them to, “get ready for the fight of their lives,” as he soaked each and every supporter outside his home.  “It was like a baptismal, but more intense” said Florence Gerber, one of Mr. Pike’s early supporters, adding, “I was coughing up blood, and I could barely breath for twenty minutes, it was the most religious moment of my life.  He even did me the honor of spraying my baby. I sure hope he wins.”

Polls indicate that Mr. Pike’s entry into the race for the White House is no flash in the pan.  AP reported that he is registering at 22%, only a few percentage points behind Mitt Romney for the lead in the GOP field.  Pike’s sudden surge in the field has prompted fellow GOP hopefuls to steal some of the noise generated by this latest development.  Texas Governor Rick Perry, who has been lagging in the polls of late, revealed that he once stabbed a hobo, “and I have the video tapes to prove it.”  Herman Cain dismissed Pike’s candidacy as old news claiming, “I’ve used pepper spray on countless female employees who have gotten out of line in my offices, its just good business sense.”

Questions remain as to how Mr. Pike’s popularity will hold up once put under the scrutiny of a nationally televised debate.  When asked how he would prepare for the event, Mr. Pike sited his police experience as his biggest advantage.  “My nine opponents will be lined up next each other, all mouthing off and not shutting up.  All I gotta do is fall back on my police training and just pepper-spray them in the face.  I guarantee I will be the only man left standing.”

Watch the video that made John Pike famous below.

Obama Vows to Push Child GPS Implant Plan Despite Assassination Attempt

AUSTRALIA- Holding an impromptu press conference while abroad in Australia, President Barack Obama vowed to continue his plan to implant GPS tracking chips in every American child despite the recent assassination attempt on his life.

“The policies of this administration will not be held hostage to lone gunmen who try to try to intimidate my family, myself, and the Office of President of the United States with violence.”  The President sounded a defiant tone as he vowed to continue his fight to make sure every child in America has a Global Positioning System implanted in their cerebral hemispheres by 2012 proclaiming, “The struggle continues.  Everyday that the federal government is not surgically implanting GPS chips in our children’s brains, is another day that pedophiles, terrorists, and UFOs can kidnap America’s children with impunity.  I will not rest until we know where your children are, at all times, for their entire lives.”

The alleged assassin, an Idaho man named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez, was an outspoken opponent to Obama’s planned legislation.  He was known to actively give speeches in his basement, rallying an Elmo doll and a jar of dead bees to take action.  The 21 year old Hernandez, acting on his own rhetoric, took off to Washington DC last week and fired his revolver several times at the White House, striking a bulletproof window.  Not knowing that Obama and his family were away at the time, Hernandez is being charged by federal authorities for an attempted assassination, a charge that could land him in prison for life.

The negative publicity surrounding the circumstances of Obama’s attempted assassination has been a setback for the opponents of the President’s proposed GPS Implant Law.  A spokesman speaking for the movement to stop Obama’s bill was quoted as saying, “The actions of Mr. Hernandez was a devastating blow to our cause, and will likely rally Congress to approve of Obama’s plan with greater haste.  While we agree that all of America’s children must be monitored, our suggestion of attaching unbreakable GPS ankle bracelets, in place of the President’s insistence on surgical implants, should be not be diminished due to the actions of one man.”

In his press conference, President Obama once again responded to critics of his plan stating, “Having talked to the parents of this country, and being a parent myself, I just do not trust the durability and reliability of an ankle bracelet.  The only way to be sure that we will never lose our children is to make sure that the GPS chips are implanted firmly and securely in our children’s brains, thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.”

No S.O.P.A. For You

Lets be honest for a second folks.  If you were born in the mid 80s, you were a kid that saw the dawn of the internet age.  You probably had precious little money for CDs, video games, and movies, and consequently, you’ve stolen a million dollars worth of free entertainment since 1997.  But should that be enough to allow corporations to police and censor the internet, the last bastion of truly free mass expression left in the world?

In my life, I can think of two absurd peaks during the internet piracy free for all that has engulfed an entire generation.  The first was the introduction of Napster, the free online music service that has never seen an equal.  Sure, there were clunky imitators that tried to fill the hole left by Napster’s demise, like Kazaa and Limewire, and the kids of today probably use torrent sites to find free music, or gasp, even pay for music using iTunes.  Still, nobody matched Napster at its height.  Napster was ultra-fast, easy to use, and contained every song that was ever digitized on a computer, ever.  It was as if every track, of every CD, sold in every CD store around the world was available at your fingertips.  How was that possible?  Because up until the moment of Napster’s creation, all anyone ever had was CDs, and nearly everybody started backing them up on computers when they realized how easily destroyable they were.  It was a goldmine of music with no licensing restrictions, and no pesky fees that seem to be the rage these days.  But Napster died a cruel death, thanks in large part to Metallica.

The next peak was a bit more personal for me.  In 2003, I was a freshmen at Rutgers College.  The campus was hooked up with pristine T3 ultra-fast broadband access in every dorm room.  Some kids who lived in the river dorms set up a campus-only intranet service on a program called Direct Connect.  You’d get the password from some guy on your floor, load up DC, log onto the Rutgers server, and sweet fancy Moses, you had access to the largest database of pirated shit you had ever seen.  Every movie, every song, every video game, and every text book available, free to download at insanely fast speeds.  Somehow the people running Direct Connect managed to have the latest video games free to download the week before they were released, and in less then ten minutes, you’d be playing it.  It was unreal, and only lasted a year and a half before the Rutgers Direct Connect, and similar services offered at campuses around the country got shut down for good.

In today’s world, piracy is just as rampant, and requires little work to access.  Bit torrent websites are rampant, and savvy web surfers know how to squeeze the sweet free golden nectar out of them.  The only difference is running the risk of receiving a threatening legal letter from a movie studio or record company, and gulp, actually facing real consequences for getting caught.  It’s a little risky, but millions and millions of people worldwide, ferociously addicted t0 their free ride, take the chance and continuously download illegal files constantly.  But  perhaps for not much longer, at least for citizens of the United States.

Today the US Congress is considering the Stop Online Piracy Bill, or SOPA for short, and if it is passed, has wide reaching implications for enjoying the internet as you know it.  If the bill is passed, it would allow corporations that hold copyright, and law enforcement agencies, to block access to any website or search engine that allows access to such materials.  On the surface, this is an easy to swallow bill to sell to Americans, and as a result enjoys bi-partisan support.  The danger is, that if enacted, corporations would have the right to censor large swaths of the internet for perceived copyright infringement, potentially destroying thousands of legitimate e-commerce websites who will be left with little recourse.  We aren’t just talking websites like yours truly and my sister site williesimpson.com, but massive internet mainstays like YouTube.  Because someone posted an unauthorized video of the Rolling Stones singing “Satisfaction” on a TV show no one has ever heard of, and would otherwise have been forgotten to history, that gives some corporation the right to shut down the entire YouTube enterprise that everybody loves.  Naturally, companies like Facebook, Google, and Firefox have come out strongly against the bill.  So much of their profits are derived from people searching and sharing media freely, but the powerful lobbies of the Motion Picture Association of America and the Recording Industry Association of America have lobbied hardcore for its passage.

The golden age of piracy has had many effects on the entertainment industry. First off, it rightfully slaughtered the record industry.  It was a bloated, thieving, bottom line octopus, sucking quality and culture from an art form with its brain-dead quest to promote mainstream music that nobody in this ever fractured niche world could unite behind.  It probably has wounded the movie companies too, as people go to movies less and buy less DVDs.  Why bother when they can just wait a few months to download a pristine copy of the movie for free?  Still, the problems affecting these two titans of entertainment should not allow them the right to lobby for legislation that gives them the power to black out large chunks of the internet due to a perceived violation of copyright law.  In many cases, fair use with copyrights is a complex field of legality, and allowing for a powerful entity like the MPAA, who has unlimited legal funds, to shut down your business and potentially drag you into a costly legal battle on dubious grounds is just plain wrong.  S.O.P.A. should be stopped, and if it is passed, every elected official who voted for it should be voted out come their next election.  It’s a black and white question of free speech and corporate censorship that should not stand in the United States.

John F. Kennedy on Occupy Wall Street

Greetings my fellow Americans.  John F. Kennedy here, former 35th President of the United States.  For those of you wondering, yes, I am dead, murdered in cold blood by alien forces from another planet.  Long story short, I met with the aliens in an attempt to make a fair trade for their secrets regarding interstellar space travel.  They demanded Playboy’s Miss April 1962 through Miss August 1963, and I said no.  I could not in good conscious, forfeit the lives of America’s hottest babes, no matter what the prize.  I considered the proposed trade barbarous, illegal, against our most sacred values, and, on a personal level, I was banging seven of those bunnies at the time and couldn’t spare a single one.

Now, onto the issue of this ah, so called “Occupy Wall Street” business.  My father, Joesph Kennedy Sr., made his fortune on Wall Street, gaining millions through insider trading and market manipulation.  Now, er uh, these “practices” were not illegal before the stock market crash of 29, and, this is true, he avoided the crash by selling his investments when the boy shining his shoes started to give him stock tips.  I believe that boys name was Jimmy, and he never did in fact, make it to California.  Anyway, with the rest of the country reeling from the Great Depression, father took his money and did the only sensible thing, pouring it all into real estate and illegal bootlegging.  Now, I have no fear, or shame, in disclosing my father’s rise to wealth and power, after all, you can read all about it on Wikipedia anyway.  It was an interesting read, because father never told us the truth of how he got his money, rather telling us that he earned it all saving the Pope’s life by rescuing him from drowning when the Titanic sank.

The point is, I know the type of men that work on Wall Street.  I’ve been dead for 48 years, but men such as these never change.  They are ruthless egomaniacs with one goal; to bang movie stars in hopes of creating photogenic children who can one day run for president and thus pardon them for all the hookers they suffocated in the trunks of their Bentleys.  This is their dream.

Well I have a different dream.  The first part of my dream is for the creation and enforcement of rules and regulations that properly control the wild excesses we’ve seen take place on Wall Street in the last few decades.  That way, we can revitalize the American economy, put people back to work, and restore the luster and wealth of the nation. With our regained riches it is important to invest heavily in education, especially in mathematics and science.  That way, armed with a first class education, our children can begin construction on the second part of my dream; an interstellar space fleet equipped with the energy-shield piercing photon beams needed to get revenge on the alien bastards who killed me in the first place.  After all, why did you think I wanted to send men to the moon,so they could bring back some goddamned rocks?  No, I wanted to send them there as the first step in preparation for the coming space wars; wars which will pit all of humanity in a desperate struggle for galactic domination against the ugly alien squid people of Xylon Seven.  For in the last assessment, we will be judged NOT, by our ability to unite the masses here on Earth, in peace, but in the violence we inflict on the Xylonians who wish to rule over us with their slimy puckered arms, and steal all our hottest babes for their own sick amusement.  Thank you.