You know, it’s remarkable that no one in the real world has ever taken it upon themselves to become Batman.  After all, there’s nothing really magical about the guy. Batman is just an average Joe, fed up with all the guff of the world. We’re right you know.

Just think about it. Aren’t you fed up with your retarded job at Game Stop? Batman would be. Do you still live in a dark, dank, underground cave also known as your parent’s basement? Batman lives in a cave. Are there no sexy Catwomen in your life to tickle your balls of yarn? BATMAN DOESN’T NEED WOMEN.

Put the pieces together, and the picture slowly comes into focus. That’s right.

You are Batman!!!

YES.

So guess what!

It’s time to take out that costume, Caped Crusader, because the real world needs a hero, and you’re sad enough to play the fool!

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“What the hell did they say?”

If you grew up in America in the 90s, that was probably your response to seeing the Oasis brothers, Liam and Noel Gallagher, on TV. Whether it was giving a drunken interview or belligerently reacting to reporters, it was cockney incoherence at its finest. At least you got a little help from the bleeped out parts- you knew they were either saying ’shit’ or ‘fuck’.

Do you remember when they were on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in 1996? I do. I cut it out and hung it in my locker (jealous?). The cover said: “They’re hard drinking, groupie shagging, drug snorting louts. They’re the Gallagher Brothers. And they’re HUGE.”

Ok, Rolling Stone. Here’s the thing. They weren’t fucking huge.

Not in America they weren’t. It was still all about grunge here. This country’s teenagers were more infatuated with Marilyn Manson and Rage Against The Machine then they ever were with some annoying panzees from England who sang sappy, 60s inspired ballads. Sure, Oasis found some success in America, with singles from their second album reaching very high on the Billboard charts. But the overall idea of the band, rooted in a very distinctly British theme, was no more than a passing moment of popularity in America.

But anyway, it’s not like Oasis didn’t have a chance. They did. But when America was paying the most attention, they failed. Here are three moments you may remember.

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Sand and wave proprietors! Ocean lodge officials! Do you wish to improve your resort’s membership levels and provide improved services to said members? Well look no further, friend, because the great LEON CAROSI is here to offer you his top secret tricks of the beach resort trade!

Step #1 – No Zack Morris’s!

When selecting your resort’s staff, it’s extremly important to choose employees who are submissive, malleable, and generally afraid of you! Zack Morris fits neither of these descriptions! Do not hire a Zack Morris! He will dine in the member’s restaurant on his lunch breaks! He will mock you for your weight problems behind your back! He will not vote for Stacey at the 4th of July paegent even though you placed him on the judge’s panel for the sole reason that he vote for her!!! While we’re at it, do not hire a Screech Powers as well! Actually, any employee who is recommended by Lisa Turtle’s family should be strictly avoided!

Step #2 – Put Your Hard Nosed Daughter from New York in Charge!

My beautiful daughter, Stacey (a proud Carosi in her own right!), will know how to seperate the sand slaves from the beach bums off the staff! She may be a long way from the mean streets of New York City, but squashing California Zack’s spirit isn’t very different from squashing the guts of a common cockroach in a New York City dwelling! (more…)

Our favorite class from Bayside High has been out for some time now, having gone off to college (and subsequently, the real world).  That’s all well and good for them, but they left all their loyal fans with so many questions!  We never found out if Slater’s dad ever truly embraced his son’s wrestling career after AC passed on going to West Point.  And whatever happened to Max, the magical comedian who was the always keeping the gang’s spirits up with his goofy antics?  But most importantly, we never learned if Zach, Slater, Kelly, Jesse, Lisa, and Screech ever had sex!  Luckily, we’re all much older now and more sophisticated, allowing us the ability to put our collective heads together and really figure out who was knockin’ boots, and who was striking out. (more…)

Get scared much? I do. Especially when I’m watching AYAOTD. I’ve seen every episode a billion and a half times, and I still crap my pants everytime I watch it! It’s truly the greatest show on television.

But I wanted to take my love for AYAOTD further. So I called up everyone I know and asked them for advice. And the answer was unanimous. They said that I should write my very own script for AYAOTD!

I’d never written a script before (not true- I wrote a play once for my grandma as a Hanukah gift), but I still wanted to give it a try. And I tried my darndest- I really did! I brainstormed ideas, drew up an outline, came up with some drafts, quit, ate a box of Toaster Strudels, watched AYAOTD, crapped my pants, started all over again, and finally, after a whole mid-afternoon, had myself a polished script!

All that was left to do was mail it to Nickelodeon, so off it went. Three weeks later, I received a reply. They rejected it.

What I’m going to do next may shock you, but don’t freak out. What follows you’ll be able to read, in its entirety, my finished AYAOTD script. I figure if enough people read it and like it, they’ll all start calling and emailing Nickelodeon demanding this gets produced!

Alright, cool. Thanks in advance for this, guys- I totally appreciate it. So… without further ado…

SUBMITTED FOR THE APPROVAL OF THE MIDNIGHT SOCIETY, I CALL THIS STORY…

“THE TALE OF THE CANDYMAN’S HAUNTED HOUSE”

EXT. DARK STREET – HALLOWEEN NIGHT

Everything feels scary on this street, as a teenage boy named PAUL and a teenage girl named PENNY walk  down the sidewalk. I’ve used funky Halloween colors for the fun of it!

NARRATOR: Paul’s family had just moved to town eight years ago, so he was still trying to fit in. Penny was his only friend, and although she wasn’t as adventurous as him, she tried hard to not be a loser.

PENNY: Hey Paul, it’s getting late, and I think we’ve got enough candy. Let’s go home.

PAUL: No way. Don’t be a wus. There’s still one house left.

PAUL and PENNY see the Candyman’s house on top of a hill. All the lights are flickering and there’s weird ghost sounds too.

PAUL: Awesome… (more…)

We’re fascinated by and fear death. We never want this crazy ride to end! To escape is one of the many reasons why we watch movies and to see what someone else’s life is like for awhile, but what happens after the character on screen dies? Usually they are left behind in some room by the hero and they are forgotten, but what happens when the situation isn’t so tidy and convenient? What if you have to hide that body before going on with your life? Or worst yet, you have to pretend that the dead body in your arms is a living, breathing person? There have been several movies that feature actors portraying dead people getting into shenanigans with living people. This list celebrates those actors’ stiff performances. Sorry.

5. That Guy in the Freezer Full of Ice Cream in THE GOONIES (1985) - We all remember that scene. Chunk (Jeff Cohen) has had it with his adventuring buddies. He wants out of the Fratellis’ abandoned restaurant hideout, but just as he’s about to exit he smells… ice cream! He finds a walk-in freezer and proceeds to inventory all the flavors before realizing he’s sharing the tiny, cold room with a body with a bullet hole in its head! Gulp!

4. Benicio Del Toro as Jackie Boy in SIN CITY (2005) - After Miho (Devon Aoki) chops Jackie Boy’s gun hand off with her Samurai sword, he pries his weapon from its dead fingers and takes aim at Miho and fires. Unfortunately, she jammed the barrel, causing the slide to explode and impale itself into Jackie Boy’s forehead! Ouch! The subsequent scene where Dwight (Clive Owen) is driving Jackie’s body to the tar pits and imagining it to still be alive and wheezing is a classic.

3. John Vernon as Curtis Mooney in KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988) - What do you do when you’re the only cop left to watch the station amidst a killer klown outbreak? Well, if you’re Curtis Mooney you leave the phone off the hook, pour some booze into a Styrofoam cup and let the trouble come to you. After being strangled by a blowout noisemaker, Mooney’s body is transformed into a macabre ventriloquist dummy. Shudder! (more…)

I’m no sports fan and movies about sports tend to be only one notch above “chick flicks” in my book. However, when a movie is good, it doesn’t matter what the subject of the movie is. A “chick flick” can be great (see WHEN HARRY MET SALLY… (1989))  and so can sports movies! So here are my favorites:

5.  POINT BREAK (1991) - Why settle for a movie that features one sport when you can have one that features three?!! Surfing, skydiving AND bank robbing! You can’t beat a movie that features a stiff talking Keanu Reeves, a crazy as usual Gary Busey and the late great, cool as always Patrick Swayze! Directed by Kathryn Bigelow whose other badass movies include NEAR DARK (1987) and THE HURT LOCKER (2009).

4. MURDERBALL (2005) – This awesome sports doc features wheelchair rugby or what it’s affectionately called by its players and fans, murderball. Wheelchair rugby is played by quadriplegics who have a thirst for violence, destruction and mayhem. The heated competition between the U.S. and Canadian teams as they head into the 2004 Paralympic Games is on display in this Oscar nominated documentary. Directed by Henry Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro.

3. THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998) – There’s not much I can say about this film that hasn’t been said already, except that the Coen Brothers’ musical ode to bowling dream sequence alone warrants this movie being on this list and if you don’t get why this should be here, you’re obviously not a golfer. (more…)

Recently, I made a trip to Han’s Skate Shoppe, the spiritual home base for the 1992 Pee Wee Champion Mighty Ducks.  Located in the heart of District 5, it was here that I caught up with Greg Goldberg, the team’s legendary goalie.  Goldberg may not be standing guard at the hockey net anymore, but he’s standing guard at the shop’s broom closet as the store’s assistant head janitor.  Goldberg, now 32 years old, sat down to give me some revealing insight into what REALLY happened to the Ducks when the cameras weren’t rolling.

WILLIE SIMPSON: First question, whats that smell?

GREG GOLDBERG: Ha ha. Very funny. Wasn’t me, alright.

WS: So Goldberg, how did you end up working at Han’s Skate Shoppe?

GG: Well, let me think back.  The Ducks had just beaten Varsity, and Hans died, and Bombay took over the shop, and I flunked outta prep school, and the whole time I was really hungry, so… long story short- I turned my hockey stick into a mop, and 17 years later, the rest is history.

WS: A long way from your heroic hockey days, huh?

GG: Hey!  Knock it off!  I’m doing just fine, alright.  Like, when I clog the toilet, I plunge it before I flush. In a way, its another save for Goldberg.

WS: Sounds like your doing great, what about the other Ducks?

GG: Eh, good and bad, from what I hear, Charlie’s doing pretty well.  He grew a mustache… got a tabby cat… And- oh yeah- he’s in a mental institution. Apparently he went crazy because he never made it to the NHL. Yeah… its messed up. I called him up once, and he thinks he plays first line for the Minnesota North Stars.  I was like, “Oh really?  I never see you play.”  And he said that’s because he plays on the Moon. (more…)

Better hope no one calls you today. If they do, you won’t know.

Why?

Because your telephone isn’t connected to the phone jack. Your high speed (14K) modem is. Hope you like riding on lightning.

As your CD-ROM tray ejects, you place in it one of many free AOL discs that came in the mail. Why did they send so many? I fling the extras like frisbees at your cat, Doughnut.

Within minutes, your modem begins to dial. Eeeeeerr errrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. BUR BUR. Cracklecracklecrackle. NOISE!

“It’s working…!?” you stupidly exclaim.

“Duh,” I reply. Inside, I wonder why we’re even friends.

The pixels inside your 13″ Packard Bell monitor dance with excitement. One by one, they form the bits of colors that make the shapes, that form the words. If a pixel could talk, it would say, “I searched the entire world looking for magic, and then, I realized, the magic is inside of us all.”

Listen to it. The data streams through the cables. A new Niagara. A modern Mississippi. A glorious connection!

“But what if someone calls?!” you whine.

“Shut up!” I tell you. “I already said we won’t know!”

And then, you blink. You blink a slow blink. And it’s so slow, and it’s so blinky, that by time you’re done blinking… it’s there.  For the very first time, you are blinking- I mean looking- at the homepage to America Online.

Oh yeah, it took 45 minutes to do this.

Welcome to the Internet.

Your cat’s name is Doughnut.