George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Obama Not Ruling Out Use of Nuclear Weapons in Ongoing War on Christmas

WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year.  With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world.  The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve.  This cannot stand.  I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”

The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America.  Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office.  In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure.  As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.”  Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t?  But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”

The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him.  We have to stop him.  Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill.  The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.”  Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”

See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.

Herman Cain: I’ve Never Had Sex, Ever

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the latest woman to come forward and accuse Presidential GOP contender Herman Cain of an inappropriate extramarital affair, Mr. Cain held a press conference proclaiming, “I want to set the record strait, I’ve never had sex, ever, period.”

The shocking admission from Mr. Cain, which seemed to fly in the face of logic and common sense, was his latest defense in what he called, “an unfair leftist media assault on my personal life.”  Questions arose as to how legitimate these statements from Mr. Cain were, in light of the fact that he has been married for 43 years and has two children.  Mr. Cain responded to these questions with indignant brusqueness, “Where does it say that if a man gets married he has to have sex?  It happens all the time, I know millions of guys who get married and never have sex, ever.  It’s not uncommon, but its how I know that all these women are liars.”  Asked if his children were adopted, Mr. Cain took an even more defensive posture, “What kind of question is that?  These are my children.  Did you ever hear of Jesus?  His parents never had sex, next question.”

Mr. Cain’s statements regarding his children’s origins provided even more confusion and contributed to the circus like atmosphere that quickly enveloped the press conference.  When asked if he believed if his children were the products of immaculate conception Cain said, “Who knows, it happened in the Bible, I’m sure it happens all the time.  God has a plan for everyone, and he probably wants the man with immaculate children to run the free world.  It just makes sense.”  In closing, Mr. Cain stated, “This is the last time we will be discussing this, so for the record, I’ve never had sex, I don’t like sex, and I won’t have sex, thank you, and God Bless America.”  With that, Mr. Cain promptly left the stage.

On Thanksgiving, Michelle Bachmann Thankful to all the Idiots

MINNESOTA- Michelle Bachmann, US Congresswoman and 2012 GOP competitor for the Presidency, issued a warm Thanksgiving message to all of her followers, especially to the “idiots everywhere who made my career possible.”  Her statement, released on behalf of her campaign, included the following remarks,

“Thanksgiving, America’s greatest holiday, is of course a time for giving thanks.  The tradition started hundreds of years ago when the Christian Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in peace and goodwill.  The Indians however, forever savage in their Satanically Godless ways, met the Angelic Pilgrims with suspicion and fear.  Scientists from Bob Jones University speculate that this was due to the light emanating from the Pilgrims’ alabaster white skin, which burned the Indians’ evil and naked flesh.  Despite this, the Pilgrims showered the local Indians with gifts of pant-leggings, Christian shame, alcohol, and malaria.  With trust established, and the Indians converted to the teachings of Jesus Christ through the awesome power of the Pilgrim’s charity, a feast was held and thanks were exchanged.  The Pilgrim’s heartily thanked the Indians for being allowed to share their sacred lands.  The Indians were so touched by the Pilgrims love of their land, that they promised to move away forever to Northern Canada and become Eskimos.  The lesson of the giving thanks still holds true to this day.  As I find myself in a race for the White House, I too must give thanks to everybody who put me in this position to succeed.  I want to thank the Evangelicals for their belief that only the most ardent literal believers in the teachings of Jesus Christ should be President.  I want to also thank the Conservative Jews for their desire to back people like myself who hate Muslims.  I want to thank the Tea Party, who never let reason and common sense get in the way of the raw emotional discord and terror that drives the movements engine of intolerance.  I also want to thank all the homophobes, the loners, the racists, the anti-Semites, the gun nuts, the undereducated, the jealous, the hysterical, and the paranoid masses.  And lastly, I want to thank the idiots everywhere who have made my career possible.  You are the ones that have elevated my rantings and egocentric desires for power and prestige, to the main stage of American politics.  Without you, I would not be where I am today.  God Bless.”

 

Romney Pledges More Misleading Obama Ads

WASHINGTON DC -  At an impromptu press conference held in Washington last night, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney responded to the media firestorm created by his campaign’s new ad which deliberately took a line Barrack Obama spoke out of context.  With a vigor not yet seem from notoriously stiff candidate, Romney not only promised more misleading ads, but proclaimed, “You ain’t seen n0thin’ yet.”

Romney, also took the opportunity to address the issue of Republican apathy towards his own campaign, stating, “This ad is only the beginning.  Once the voters of my party wake up and realize they are not handing the keys of the GOP machine over to a womanizing pizza man, a brain dead moron from Texas, or the mother from Carrie, it’ll be Mitt’s time to shine. “  When asked to explain what he meant about his “time to shine,” Romney responded indignantly, “Come on people!  Get real.  Unless I’ve been taking crazy pills, it’s clear that I’m gonna win this thing.  I’m white, handsome, and, as the son of a rich business man, voters somehow believe that I might know the secret to fixing the economy.  But I’m not here to talk about my qualifications, which are self-evident.”

Romney, normally criticized as appearing stiff and wooden, seemed more relaxed than he’s ever appeared in public.  Visibly loosening his tie, he began to wax poetic about the upcoming 2012 election.  “You know,  its amazing how in the first ad, which had just one line of Obama’s taken out of context, caused such a storm.  Can you imagine when the Republican machine and I start breaking out the greatest hits?  Hah!”  Asked to clarify what those “hits” might be, it seemed that Romney was fighting back laughter stating, “What?  What do you think?  Obama the socialist, Obama the secret Muslim, Obama the Nazi, and of course, the coup de grace, Obama’s birth certificate.  We’ve got hundreds of them warming in the bullpen.  And that’s just the tried and true stuff.  We’ve hired a team of professional science fiction writers to create thousands of stories.  I mean, have you ever seen the way Obama’s ears stick out?  Kinda Martian like, no?  Hahaha, but seriously, we’re gonna make people think Obama is an android from the Soviet Union when we’re through with him.”

In his closing remarks Romney took a more defensive stance when asked if his campaign had gone too far.  “Too far?  You can’t go too far!  This is exactly what America wants.  These baseless accusations and lies appease the wingnuts in my party, and they stir up the left into wasting their time countering them when they should be talking about the issues at hand.  It’s win-win!”

The White House having already issued a stark criticism of Romney’s first ad, calling it “deceitful” and “dishonest,” have yet to respond to Romney’s most recent comments that Obama is “a transgender KGB operative sent to poison America’s supply of milk, and that it makes sense if you think about it.”

Below is Romney’s first ad which contains the misleading line attributed to Obama…