Obama Not Ruling Out Use of Nuclear Weapons in Ongoing War on Christmas

WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year.  With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world.  The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve.  This cannot stand.  I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”

The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America.  Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office.  In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure.  As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.”  Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t?  But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”

The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him.  We have to stop him.  Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill.  The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.”  Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”

See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.

Obama Vows to Push Child GPS Implant Plan Despite Assassination Attempt

AUSTRALIA- Holding an impromptu press conference while abroad in Australia, President Barack Obama vowed to continue his plan to implant GPS tracking chips in every American child despite the recent assassination attempt on his life.

“The policies of this administration will not be held hostage to lone gunmen who try to try to intimidate my family, myself, and the Office of President of the United States with violence.”  The President sounded a defiant tone as he vowed to continue his fight to make sure every child in America has a Global Positioning System implanted in their cerebral hemispheres by 2012 proclaiming, “The struggle continues.  Everyday that the federal government is not surgically implanting GPS chips in our children’s brains, is another day that pedophiles, terrorists, and UFOs can kidnap America’s children with impunity.  I will not rest until we know where your children are, at all times, for their entire lives.”

The alleged assassin, an Idaho man named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez, was an outspoken opponent to Obama’s planned legislation.  He was known to actively give speeches in his basement, rallying an Elmo doll and a jar of dead bees to take action.  The 21 year old Hernandez, acting on his own rhetoric, took off to Washington DC last week and fired his revolver several times at the White House, striking a bulletproof window.  Not knowing that Obama and his family were away at the time, Hernandez is being charged by federal authorities for an attempted assassination, a charge that could land him in prison for life.

The negative publicity surrounding the circumstances of Obama’s attempted assassination has been a setback for the opponents of the President’s proposed GPS Implant Law.  A spokesman speaking for the movement to stop Obama’s bill was quoted as saying, “The actions of Mr. Hernandez was a devastating blow to our cause, and will likely rally Congress to approve of Obama’s plan with greater haste.  While we agree that all of America’s children must be monitored, our suggestion of attaching unbreakable GPS ankle bracelets, in place of the President’s insistence on surgical implants, should be not be diminished due to the actions of one man.”

In his press conference, President Obama once again responded to critics of his plan stating, “Having talked to the parents of this country, and being a parent myself, I just do not trust the durability and reliability of an ankle bracelet.  The only way to be sure that we will never lose our children is to make sure that the GPS chips are implanted firmly and securely in our children’s brains, thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.”