You know, it’s remarkable that no one in the real world has ever taken it upon themselves to become Batman.  After all, there’s nothing really magical about the guy. Batman is just an average Joe, fed up with all the guff of the world. We’re right you know.

Just think about it. Aren’t you fed up with your retarded job at Game Stop? Batman would be. Do you still live in a dark, dank, underground cave also known as your parent’s basement? Batman lives in a cave. Are there no sexy Catwomen in your life to tickle your balls of yarn? BATMAN DOESN’T NEED WOMEN.

Put the pieces together, and the picture slowly comes into focus. That’s right.

You are Batman!!!

YES.

So guess what!

It’s time to take out that costume, Caped Crusader, because the real world needs a hero, and you’re sad enough to play the fool!

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Our favorite class from Bayside High has been out for some time now, having gone off to college (and subsequently, the real world).  That’s all well and good for them, but they left all their loyal fans with so many questions!  We never found out if Slater’s dad ever truly embraced his son’s wrestling career after AC passed on going to West Point.  And whatever happened to Max, the magical comedian who was the always keeping the gang’s spirits up with his goofy antics?  But most importantly, we never learned if Zach, Slater, Kelly, Jesse, Lisa, and Screech ever had sex!  Luckily, we’re all much older now and more sophisticated, allowing us the ability to put our collective heads together and really figure out who was knockin’ boots, and who was striking out. (more…)

Recently, I made a trip to Han’s Skate Shoppe, the spiritual home base for the 1992 Pee Wee Champion Mighty Ducks.  Located in the heart of District 5, it was here that I caught up with Greg Goldberg, the team’s legendary goalie.  Goldberg may not be standing guard at the hockey net anymore, but he’s standing guard at the shop’s broom closet as the store’s assistant head janitor.  Goldberg, now 32 years old, sat down to give me some revealing insight into what REALLY happened to the Ducks when the cameras weren’t rolling.

WILLIE SIMPSON: First question, whats that smell?

GREG GOLDBERG: Ha ha. Very funny. Wasn’t me, alright.

WS: So Goldberg, how did you end up working at Han’s Skate Shoppe?

GG: Well, let me think back.  The Ducks had just beaten Varsity, and Hans died, and Bombay took over the shop, and I flunked outta prep school, and the whole time I was really hungry, so… long story short- I turned my hockey stick into a mop, and 17 years later, the rest is history.

WS: A long way from your heroic hockey days, huh?

GG: Hey!  Knock it off!  I’m doing just fine, alright.  Like, when I clog the toilet, I plunge it before I flush. In a way, its another save for Goldberg.

WS: Sounds like your doing great, what about the other Ducks?

GG: Eh, good and bad, from what I hear, Charlie’s doing pretty well.  He grew a mustache… got a tabby cat… And- oh yeah- he’s in a mental institution. Apparently he went crazy because he never made it to the NHL. Yeah… its messed up. I called him up once, and he thinks he plays first line for the Minnesota North Stars.  I was like, “Oh really?  I never see you play.”  And he said that’s because he plays on the Moon. (more…)