I LOVED Legos as a kid.  Who didn’t?  They were colorful, expansive, and you could create anything!  I always wondered if Simpsons creator Matt Groening got the idea for yellow faced people from all those lego characters…Anyway, remember Zach the Lego Maniac???  This kid was out of control!  He knew how to make his legos, and he even had his own catchy theme song…that is, until he got fired.  I wonder why Jack the Lego Maniac came on the scene…did Zach’s ego get out of control?  Did he demand too much money in his contract renewal?  Did he choke to death on a lego?  We’ll never know…unless someone wikipedias it…Enjoy these classic Zach (and Jack) the Legomaniac commercials, and never keep stacking those little Danish bricks kids.

VIDEO # 1- In which we are introduced to Zach and his amazing sunglasses, his lego collection, and his neon light sign that spells out his name…Certainly in the top 5 of 80s kids rooms.

VIDEO # 2- Zach’s back with greater ambitions.  He’s building microchips and cosmic ships set to conquer outer space.  But clearly Zach was growing crazy, check out his insano eyes at the 15 second mark…Apparently Zach would just become another victem of space madness.  RIP Zach.

VIDEO #3- OK, so Zach went nuts, and possibly died…no problem, lots of kids names rhyme with maniac…uhhh…Mack, Tack, Rack, Black….no…oh yea…JACK!  Jack’s taken over Zach’s gig, but not his cool room.  Jack apparently lives in an orphanage, doing his best to bring his orphaned buddies good times with his amazing LEGO pirate set.  Sadly, Jack was never adopted.

Mario is a short pudgy weakling.  He runs around the Mushroom Kingdom completely vulnerable to all the enemies rushing to kill him.  The only advantage he has is his shoes.  Apparently his shoes are spiked with needles laced with cyanide, and can murder any foe who doesn’t have a spike sticking out of their head.  Now, in a world as dangerous as the Mushroom Kingdom, it would be awfully pointless for Mario to try and survive if he didn’t have a little help.  Lucky for him, there are many magical power-ups to be found to protect Mario’s fragile mortality.  So without further ado, here are the top ten Power-Ups to be found in the world of Mario.

#10- The Magic Mushroom- Its the first power-up Mario ever encounters, (not counting the hammer in Donkey Kong).  The mushroom makes Mario twice his normal size, and also able to withstand a violent attack without dying.  When I was a kid, I always thought the Mushroom made Mario his normal adult self, as if his small pudgy starting point was the effect of some kind of Koopa Kurse or something.  But the reality is, the small Mario is the real Mario.  Assuming Mario has normal human height of about 5 foot 8 inches, the mushroom makes him over ten feet tall!  That in turn makes you realize that these goombas and koopa troopers are the size of regular people…scary!  The reason this mushroom is ranked low on the list is because despite its usefulness, its the most plentiful power-up, and therefore the most boring to encounter.

#9- The Star- The Star is another original Mario power-up, and one of the games cheapest thrills.  It makes Mario invincible for about 30 seconds, save for falling into pits or lava.  It turns Mario a whole assortment of rainbow colors, and in Super Mario 3 it allows Mario to do flips.  The problem with the star is that sometimes it makes Mario act crazy.  Can he kill that 10th enemy in a row to get that 1-up bonus or will it run out causing Mario to get killed by a stupid fish?  Will Mario slide off a ledge because he is carelessly gorging on his power while ramming goombas blindly down the road?  Also, when he finds one, the Star bounces around, causing Mario to chase it stupidly, often to his death.  The Star is also useless in your inventory in Mario 3, as there is usually no point in using them to start the beginnings of any level.

#8- Frog Suit- The Frog Suit has its fans, and has its uses, but have you ever tried wearing this thing outside the ocean?  There is no way you’ll be able to beat a dry land level just wearing the suit.  The suit allows Mario to jump really high on land, swim in 4 directions underwater, and reach secret pipes that shoot air out of them that regular Mario can’t get to.  On dry land, Mario can’t run, he hops, and Mario needs his feet to execute the fancy fast footwork needed to make it through the Mushroom Kingdom in one piece.  The biggest problem with the suit though is resisting the urge to put it on as soon as you find it because its just so fun to see Mario hop around like an idiot.

#7- Super Leaf- Why does a leaf turn a man into a flying raccoon?  This will be a zen riddle in a thousand years when Mario Brothers 3 is long forgotten.  If it weren’t for the leaf, we would never have found that warp whistle in the castle in World 1-1, or have floated to safety after having flown a bit too far over a chasm.  The leaf would be higher on the list if their weren’t a few other models that improved its design and expanded its uses.

#6- Feather - The feather is found in Super Mario World, and just like the leaf randomly turning Mario into a raccoon, the feather inexplicably gives Mario a cape.  The cape allows Mario to fly, float, smash stuff with his head, and spin in circles like a lunatic!  Flying with the cape is an art, as once you stop flying up, you can accidentally start crashing down right into a death trap.

#5- Fire Flower- You know a Mario game kind of sucks when it doesn’t include the Fire Flower.  I’m looking at you Mario 2 and Mario 64!  The fire flower is awesome.  It’s basically Mario’s gun, but instead of bullets, he launches fireballs… from his hands.  It also gives Mario that sharp white and red color scheme that is such a cool alternative to his normal duds.  Same goes for Luigi, of course though, he is white and green.  I loved making it through a Koopa Castle in any game and then trying to defeat Bowser or one of his children with the fireballs.  It’s Mario’s best weapon that’s the easiest to find.

#4- Tanooki Suit- What’s a Tanooki?  I think its Japanese for raccoon or some animal like it.  Anyway, this suit has all the features of the leaf but with two huge advantages.  The first is that Mario can turn into a statue that enemies can’t touch…pretty awesome.  The second is just how cute he looks.  Almost too cute…which is why this suit doesn’t crack the top 3.

#3- Kuribo’s Shoe- Kuribo is the word the Japanese use for Goomba, so its really just “Goomba’s Shoe.”  Who knew the goombas even had shoes?  Wait…do they?…They do have those little feat…are they wearing shoes?  It’s hard to tell…but in one magical level in Super Mario Bros. 3, you get to jump into this over-sized shoe of death with the little windup crank on the side.  The shoe can jump really high, crush any enemy (even ones with spikes), and safely cross those mini chomping piranha plants with no problem.  This is one of the rarest power-ups in all the Mushroom Kingdom, and because you only get it once, it keeps it from contending for best power-up ever.

#2- P-Wing- Princess Toadstool seemed to have a lot of them, as did a few of those Toad house guys, but when Mario got his hands on one, he was an unstoppable God.  The P-Wing let Mario fly throughout an entire level without having to touch the ground.  The only downside was that it only worked for one level.  No normal Mario player ever even sniffed the end of Mario 3 without a few P-Wings saved up to soar past Koopa’s tanks and his air ships.  It was slightly annoying because throughout the whole level you had to hear that chirping raccoon noise dominate the sound-scape, but who cares, as far as you were concerned, it was the sweet sound of victory.

#1- Hammer Bros. Suit- This is my favorite Mario power-up ever.  It allows Mario to throw a lot of deadly hammers in an awesome arc of destruction.  Also, when Mario ducks, he becomes a little black shell that is immune to fireballs and most other projectiles.  His hammers are deadly and can even kill those large spiky blocks with the angry faces!  The hammer suit is very hard to get, you can get a couple in world 6, and one in world 7.  The suit also turns Mario and Luigi’s skin slightly darker and more yellowish, perhaps to resemble the color of the koopa troopers.  Also, if you beat an air-ship with the suit, the rescued king will say, “Hey how about lending me your clothes? No dice!?  What a drag.”  While it has some drawbacks, like the hammers being difficult to aim, and the fact that its very hard to get, the suit just has an incredible look which to me, expands the overall artistic beauty found in Super Mario Brothers 3.

VIDEO 1, Pioneer’s Incredible 6 disc CD changer.  This video is incredible.  Not only will Pioneer’s 6 disc system play your musical fantasies forever, you’ll be able to dance on neon lit pools of water with futuristic space witches!

VIDEO #2, The king of CD technology was obviously Sony, and their ads displayed the joy, spirit of community, and love that the power of CDs could bring.  Here is an especially cheesy ad that reminds us that, “Nothing captures the power of music, like a CD, and nothing unleashes it, like a Sony.”

VIDEO #3, Did you know that Hitachi’s laser bay system challenged you from distinguishing live music from recorded music in your own living room?  I can’t tell you how many times I’d wake up to the sound of music in my house and think that Pearl Jam was downstairs visiting my home, only to discover my older sister was just playing one of their CDs.   Also, the idea of having a laser bay somewhere in your home was awesome.

VIDEO #4, Of course you can’t talk about CDs, without talking about their super cousins, the CD-ROM.  CD-ROM’s finally let computers play awesome music, games, and videos.  Check out Gateway’s incredibly strange video where the world’s greatest dad bestows upon his daughter a standard rig at a budget price.  The best part comes when the girl asks the dad, “But what are you gonna use daddy?”  Of course dad then proceeds to wordlessly strut through his magical neon pink lit room filled with the most awesome gear available.

VIDEO # 1, Hot Drinks, where we learn the serious difference between brewing regular and de-caf coffee…

VIDEO #2- Cold Drinks, a groundbreaking rap song exploring the difficulties of controlling foam in the auto soft drink machines.

VIDEO # 3- Got to Serve the Drinks, ok, people, you’re just not getting it!  I thought the first two videos taught you everything about serving drinks, but I was wrong, and for the LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET THE CHILI BOWLS!

VIDEO # 4, Chili can be served with cheese, frostys come in four sizes, don’t serve expired milk, and cookies should never be broken!

With that blue and pink web of light in the background, these were more than just school photos- these were cool photos. And in 1991, you needed them.

For more laser background excellence, check out We Have Lasers!!!!!!!!!, a daily blog where you can submit your laser background school photos!

There was no decade quite like the 90s. Politically, economically, whatever. But nowhere was this more evident than in the music that was made during those years. In all genres, new styles rapidly emerged and evolved. Of it all, there was one genre that meant more to me than any of the others. I’m talking, of course, about rock music.

Growing up in New Jersey as a white, middle-class male, I easily identified with the ethos of rock. The rebellion, the angst, the idealism- born out of the 50s, these sentiments were still alive in the 90s, finding its form in newer and noisier ways. The stylings of 90s rock were wide ranged- grunge, britpop, pop punk, indie, rap rock- some were good, some were bad, some were forgotten to adulthood. Yet even though our tastes evolve after adolescence, the appeal of nostalgia can just be too hard to igore.

I’m calling this series “Rock By The 90s”. Each week, I plan to post a new article on a different subgenre of 90s rock, and the specific bands and songs that characterized each movement. By the end, I hope to have extensively recounted all things 90s rock.

But first, to tell the FULL story of 90s rock, we need to go back a little bit further in time. I’m talking ALL the way back…to…

The late 80s.

GLAM METAL

As the 80s came to a close, MTV had already begun to suck. No, not as badly as today- for one thing, they still played videos- but videos primarily of hair bands. Yup, in the late 80s, hair metal was the king of rock. And with it, an all-pervading, image conscious commercialism had become the status quo. Bands such as Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Motley Crue and Poison murdered our ears with sonic monstrosities, and burned our eyeballs with their high maintenance hair and flamboyant outfits.

But as the decade of the 90s began, glam metal started to be seen as excessive, both in its power ballads and its volumized hair, and the genre began to fall in to decline. Maybe the biggest indictment of this music was a scene from the documentary, ”The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years”, involving the guitarist from the band W.A.S.P., as he excessively abuses alcohol.

(Skip to 2:23 for the best part)

COLLEGE ROCK

Below the surface of the glam rock spectacle, a vibrant music scene was developing. There was a wide array of bands (college rock refers mainly to US bands) experimenting in post-punk, new wave, and folk; bands like R.E.M., The Feelies, and The Violent Femmes. This music ruled the college radio airwaves and it developed a loyal following on student campuses. United by the spirit of anti-douchiness, College Rock laid the foundations of the Alternative explosion that was about to occur.

THE PIXIES

One of the most influencial alternative bands of the late 80s was The Pixies. Stylistically, they combined the abrasive sounds of punk and hardcore with the melodic sounds of pop (a key development and attribute of grunge rock).

“Bone Machine”

You’re into Japanese fast food
And I drop you off with your Japanese lover
And you go to the beach all day
You’re so pretty when you’re unfaithful to me
You’re so pretty when you’re unfaithful to me

You’re looking like
You’ve got some sun
Your blistered lips
Have got a kiss
The days are lit like everyone
Uh-oh, Uh-oh, Uh-oh, Uh-oh

Your bones got a little machine
You’re the bone machine

MADCHESTER

As the stage was being set for the alternative explosion in the US, across the pond, the UK alternative scene had been growing as well. Bands like The Smiths cultivated the sound of gothic rock in the mid-80s. By 1988, a scene centered around Manchester bands The Stone Roses and The Happy Mondays, groups that mixed 60s pop with acid house and funk, started to take place. The “Madchester” scene can be thought of as the precursor to Britpop.

So as you can see, on both sides of the Atlantic, vibrant new music was being made. The music industry didn’t know it then, but the days of glam metal were quickly dying, and the ascension of Alternative was looming on the horizon.

Make sure to read Part II of my “Rock By The 90s” series when I revisit the Seattle grunge bands of the early 90s.

Camper has created fully functional, zoomable, 8-bit city maps in the style of the original “Legend of Zelda” video game.

The maps are entirely integrated with real world data, and you can conduct an address search just as you would on Google Maps.

On the surface, these maps may simply seem charming, but exploring the zoomable feature reveals the intricate work that was put into each and every city block. Searching through my Brooklyn neighborhood, I felt transported back to the Dutch settlements of 1600s Breukelen, where whimsical paths and brick roads replace concrete highways, and rows of crops supplant rows of houses- er…pixelated paths and crops that is.

Be sure to explore the maps! What do you think- should we stop using regular Google Maps altogether?

Well, you’re free to try out option A, but option B would be the cooler of the two. Especially since a Bay-area designer recently made 70s advertisements that retrofit modern technology with the past.

I WANT THESE.

As I watched these again, I thought, it’s amazing how strongly these things were encoded into my kid-memory bank. I wonder how many times my little Ken brain actually absorbed these things. 150 times each? Easily. 300 might also be a good guesstimate. 500 perhaps?  Who knows. But even though 15+ years have passed, I can still remember each of these with the clairvoyance of a psychic. Watch, and see how well you can remember them.

1. THE LOCKERS

This one has a cool, simple direction. As the camera pans across a school hallway filled with kids, we slowly see the Nick logo painted on a wall of lockers. But wait- here comes one last, little pip-squeak to slam his locker shut, and the logo lights up brilliant Nick orange. Sweet. Nickelodeon did an exceptional job of branding in those days.

2. THE GYMNIST

The intensity. The grace. The drama. When you saw this bumper, you wondered what the hell you were watching. But then she sticks the landing and leaves a magical orange footprint on the mat. Now it makes sense- Nickelodeon rules.

3. STREET THEATER

Get ready to get funky fresh with this one. I know I did the 400 times I saw it growing up. I almost signed up for a dance class one time, but my Dad stopped me. Check the comments section on the YouTube page- the composer of the song actually left a message!

4. FUNHOUSE OF DEMENTIA

This one’s like an acid trip for 8-year-olds. A dangling, singing phantom head, peope’s hands painted like faces, a fractured multi-colored room and demented Russian sound… this one’s wonderfully crazy. It’s a great example of the sheer inventiveness and whacky imagination that was springing forth from Nickelodeon’s art department during those golden days. Someone on YouTube commented that this bumper was “ugly”, but they were wrong.

5. THE FARMYARD

Not much to say here- just a really silly, enjoyable rendition of the Nick song, toy barnyard version. It’s a different kind of dementia, but equally awesome. It’s the same sense of weirdness that we saw on Nicktoons like ”Ren and Stimpy” and “Rocko’s Modern Life”.

6. DOGBONE

It’s the siesta verison of the Nick song, except it’s not naptime- it’s time to play fetch with the Nickelodeon bone. I love the spinning camera effect.

7. OPERA

Kids hate the opera! It’s only appropriate that this conductor gets his silly glasses broken by the Nickelodeon monster-woman.