George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Weekend at Bernie’s Dance CRAZE!


I can’t believe its only taken 21 years for the Bernie’s infectious zombie dance style to take off, but it finally has in the form of a new southern hip-hop dance trend.  Enjoy Movin Like Berney, the latest single from some genius’s down south.

Zach, the Lego Maniac!


I LOVED Legos as a kid.  Who didn’t?  They were colorful, expansive, and you could create anything!  I always wondered if Simpsons creator Matt Groening got the idea for yellow faced people from all those lego characters…Anyway, remember Zach the Lego Maniac???  This kid was out of control!  He knew how to make his legos, and he even had his own catchy theme song…that is, until he got fired.  I wonder why Jack the Lego Maniac came on the scene…did Zach’s ego get out of control?  Did he demand too much money in his contract renewal?  Did he choke to death on a lego?  We’ll never know…unless someone wikipedias it…Enjoy these classic Zach (and Jack) the Legomaniac commercials, and never keep stacking those little Danish bricks kids.

VIDEO # 1- In which we are introduced to Zach and his amazing sunglasses, his lego collection, and his neon light sign that spells out his name…Certainly in the top 5 of 80s kids rooms.

VIDEO # 2- Zach’s back with greater ambitions.  He’s building microchips and cosmic ships set to conquer outer space.  But clearly Zach was growing crazy, check out his insano eyes at the 15 second mark…Apparently Zach would just become another victem of space madness.  RIP Zach.

VIDEO #3- OK, so Zach went nuts, and possibly died…no problem, lots of kids names rhyme with maniac…uhhh…Mack, Tack, Rack, Black….no…oh yea…JACK!  Jack’s taken over Zach’s gig, but not his cool room.  Jack apparently lives in an orphanage, doing his best to bring his orphaned buddies good times with his amazing LEGO pirate set.  Sadly, Jack was never adopted.

Do You Want to Make More Money?


We all do!  But what can you do, you’re an uneducated slob with a horrible streak of agoraphobia!  Well, luckily, so is Sally Struthers, and she has used her massive star power to bring you the ICS, or International Correspondence School!  Jealous of all your friends who went to Harvard?  Feel intimidated by their fancy degrees in medicine and philosophy?  Well, there are a million doctors, but never a man with an Air Conditioner Repair/Florist degree around when you need em!  Parents telling you to stop jerking off and go back to school?  Well, now you can shut them up by majoring in High School with a minor in Gun Repair, while still playing Nintendo all morning!  And if they still give you lip, well, good luck to them when their guns break and they can’t shoot criminals.   Enjoy these classic Sally Struthers commercials from 1991 of all years, and yes phone number still works!  (Its a sex line now!)

Are You Afraid Of The Dark Review

Are YOU afraid of the dark??? Admit it- the clown episode, the doll house episode, the vampire episode, the pool episode- even the intro/theme song was scary! Look out- because the Midnight Society is back, as I break down season 1 through season 7 of this classic 90s Nickelodeon show!

Top Ten Super Mario Power-Ups

mario powerups

Mario is a short pudgy weakling.  He runs around the Mushroom Kingdom completely vulnerable to all the enemies rushing to kill him.  The only advantage he has is his shoes.  Apparently his shoes are spiked with needles laced with cyanide, and can murder any foe who doesn’t have a spike sticking out of their head.  Now, in a world as dangerous as the Mushroom Kingdom, it would be awfully pointless for Mario to try and survive if he didn’t have a little help.  Lucky for him, there are many magical power-ups to be found to protect Mario’s fragile mortality.  So without further ado, here are the top ten Power-Ups to be found in the world of Mario.

mario_mushroom#10- The Magic Mushroom- Its the first power-up Mario ever encounters, (not counting the hammer in Donkey Kong).  The mushroom makes Mario twice his normal size, and also able to withstand a violent attack without dying.  When I was a kid, I always thought the Mushroom made Mario his normal adult self, as if his small pudgy starting point was the effect of some kind of Koopa Kurse or something.  But the reality is, the small Mario is the real Mario.  Assuming Mario has normal human height of about 5 foot 8 inches, the mushroom makes him over ten feet tall!  That in turn makes you realize that these goombas and koopa troopers are the size of regular people…scary!  The reason this mushroom is ranked low on the list is because despite its usefulness, its the most plentiful power-up, and therefore the most boring to encounter. (more…)

Fashion Week ’91

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , , , — Ken @ 6:38 pm September 16, 2010








September 11th and the Mythic Biggie Smalls


I love Biggie Smalls.  Because I’m an intellectual white guy from Brooklyn, of course I can’t help but compare him to Bob Dylan.  Both were poets, soothsayers, shamans, uncompromising truth speakers, but more then all that, artists of endless talent.  But unlike Bob, Biggie was gunned down when he was only 24 years old.  An absolute travesty.  Biggie was a genius, and his early demise was a massive hit to youth culture.  His universal appeal,  his perfect flow, and his unflinching need to speak truth to power, could have risen him to untold heights of cultural and even political significance.  With all that said, all we are left with is a taste of his magic, a mere glimmer of his ability to effortlessly achieve these things.

I’m a New Yorker.  I happen to work right by the World Trade Center.  I’ve walked by it nearly everyday for the past 3 years.  Biggie too, was a New Yorker, one of the greatest New Yorkers ever, and on September 11th, I always think of his immortal line from “Juicy,” “Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight, time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade…”  The line of course was a reference to the 93 bombing, but given Biggie’s ability to so frequently hit the truth on insane levels of profundity, its no surprise that a throwaway line such as this would resonate so deeply years later in one of his most personal and vulnerable songs.  So here it is, on 9/11/10, Biggie’s “Juicy,” one of the greatest songs about the man, and about New York City.

Pete & Pete: The Wrigley 500

Filed under: Blog — Tags: , , , , , , , — Ken @ 5:11 pm September 7, 2010

The Golden Age of CD Technology!

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 4:00 pm September 5, 2010

When I was growing up, one of my earliest memories was my parents bringing home a huge new stereo from Sony in 1989 that had a magical boxy CD player.  Today, CDs are cheap, hold low amounts of data, and are generally outdated since the advent of DVDs, Blu-Rays, and iPods.  But back then, CDs and their players were expensive, futuristic, and had that incredible rainbow glow.  Its hard to explain the awe we all felt in the golden age of CD technology, but luckily youtube has captured said awe via old technology commercials that glamorized these futuristic discs and devices…ENJOY…

VIDEO 1, Pioneer’s Incredible 6 disc CD changer.  This video is incredible.  Not only will Pioneer’s 6 disc system play your musical fantasies forever, you’ll be able to dance on neon lit pools of water with futuristic space witches!

VIDEO #2, The king of CD technology was obviously Sony, and their ads displayed the joy, spirit of community, and love that the power of CDs could bring.  Here is an especially cheesy ad that reminds us that, “Nothing captures the power of music, like a CD, and nothing unleashes it, like a Sony.”

VIDEO #3, Did you know that Hitachi’s laser bay system challenged you from distinguishing live music from recorded music in your own living room?  I can’t tell you how many times I’d wake up to the sound of music in my house and think that Pearl Jam was downstairs visiting my home, only to discover my older sister was just playing one of their CDs.   Also, the idea of having a laser bay somewhere in your home was awesome.

VIDEO #4, Of course you can’t talk about CDs, without talking about their super cousins, the CD-ROM.  CD-ROM’s finally let computers play awesome music, games, and videos.  Check out Gateway’s incredibly strange video where the world’s greatest dad bestows upon his daughter a standard rig at a budget price.  The best part comes when the girl asks the dad, “But what are you gonna use daddy?”  Of course dad then proceeds to wordlessly strut through his magical neon pink lit room filled with the most awesome gear available.

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