Obama Vows to Push Child GPS Implant Plan Despite Assassination Attempt

AUSTRALIA- Holding an impromptu press conference while abroad in Australia, President Barack Obama vowed to continue his plan to implant GPS tracking chips in every American child despite the recent assassination attempt on his life.

“The policies of this administration will not be held hostage to lone gunmen who try to try to intimidate my family, myself, and the Office of President of the United States with violence.”  The President sounded a defiant tone as he vowed to continue his fight to make sure every child in America has a Global Positioning System implanted in their cerebral hemispheres by 2012 proclaiming, “The struggle continues.  Everyday that the federal government is not surgically implanting GPS chips in our children’s brains, is another day that pedophiles, terrorists, and UFOs can kidnap America’s children with impunity.  I will not rest until we know where your children are, at all times, for their entire lives.”

The alleged assassin, an Idaho man named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez, was an outspoken opponent to Obama’s planned legislation.  He was known to actively give speeches in his basement, rallying an Elmo doll and a jar of dead bees to take action.  The 21 year old Hernandez, acting on his own rhetoric, took off to Washington DC last week and fired his revolver several times at the White House, striking a bulletproof window.  Not knowing that Obama and his family were away at the time, Hernandez is being charged by federal authorities for an attempted assassination, a charge that could land him in prison for life.

The negative publicity surrounding the circumstances of Obama’s attempted assassination has been a setback for the opponents of the President’s proposed GPS Implant Law.  A spokesman speaking for the movement to stop Obama’s bill was quoted as saying, “The actions of Mr. Hernandez was a devastating blow to our cause, and will likely rally Congress to approve of Obama’s plan with greater haste.  While we agree that all of America’s children must be monitored, our suggestion of attaching unbreakable GPS ankle bracelets, in place of the President’s insistence on surgical implants, should be not be diminished due to the actions of one man.”

In his press conference, President Obama once again responded to critics of his plan stating, “Having talked to the parents of this country, and being a parent myself, I just do not trust the durability and reliability of an ankle bracelet.  The only way to be sure that we will never lose our children is to make sure that the GPS chips are implanted firmly and securely in our children’s brains, thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.”