George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Obama Not Ruling Out Use of Nuclear Weapons in Ongoing War on Christmas

WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year.  With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world.  The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve.  This cannot stand.  I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”

The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America.  Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office.  In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure.  As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.”  Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t?  But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”

The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him.  We have to stop him.  Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill.  The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.”  Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”

See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall Commentary

File this under unintentional comedy. In this very real clip, the former Governor of California sits down for a DVD commentary of the classic Total Recall, and really takes you behind the film, getting about you a micrometer under its surface.  If brevity is the soul of wit, Arnold should teach a masters class on the subject.  Trust me, this is hilarious.

On Thanksgiving, Michelle Bachmann Thankful to all the Idiots

MINNESOTA- Michelle Bachmann, US Congresswoman and 2012 GOP competitor for the Presidency, issued a warm Thanksgiving message to all of her followers, especially to the “idiots everywhere who made my career possible.”  Her statement, released on behalf of her campaign, included the following remarks,

“Thanksgiving, America’s greatest holiday, is of course a time for giving thanks.  The tradition started hundreds of years ago when the Christian Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in peace and goodwill.  The Indians however, forever savage in their Satanically Godless ways, met the Angelic Pilgrims with suspicion and fear.  Scientists from Bob Jones University speculate that this was due to the light emanating from the Pilgrims’ alabaster white skin, which burned the Indians’ evil and naked flesh.  Despite this, the Pilgrims showered the local Indians with gifts of pant-leggings, Christian shame, alcohol, and malaria.  With trust established, and the Indians converted to the teachings of Jesus Christ through the awesome power of the Pilgrim’s charity, a feast was held and thanks were exchanged.  The Pilgrim’s heartily thanked the Indians for being allowed to share their sacred lands.  The Indians were so touched by the Pilgrims love of their land, that they promised to move away forever to Northern Canada and become Eskimos.  The lesson of the giving thanks still holds true to this day.  As I find myself in a race for the White House, I too must give thanks to everybody who put me in this position to succeed.  I want to thank the Evangelicals for their belief that only the most ardent literal believers in the teachings of Jesus Christ should be President.  I want to also thank the Conservative Jews for their desire to back people like myself who hate Muslims.  I want to thank the Tea Party, who never let reason and common sense get in the way of the raw emotional discord and terror that drives the movements engine of intolerance.  I also want to thank all the homophobes, the loners, the racists, the anti-Semites, the gun nuts, the undereducated, the jealous, the hysterical, and the paranoid masses.  And lastly, I want to thank the idiots everywhere who have made my career possible.  You are the ones that have elevated my rantings and egocentric desires for power and prestige, to the main stage of American politics.  Without you, I would not be where I am today.  God Bless.”

 

UC Davis “Pepper Spray” Police Officer Enters GOP Presidential Race

DAVIS, CALIFORNIA- Infamous UC Davis police officer John Pike, who rose to national prominence after casually pepper-spraying a group of protesting college students, has thrown his hat in the ring for the GOP nomination for President.

Mr. Pike, who was recently placed on administrative leave for his controversial actions last Friday, announced his candidacy late last night proclaiming, “They can take away my baton, my badge, and my can of pepper-spray, but they can’t take away my country.  I won’t let them.  That is why, I, John Pike, will be running for President of  the United States.”  The move, which is already shaking up the race for the GOP crown, has been met with great enthusiasm by much of the Republican base, desperately seeking a solid candidate who they can back.  Mr. Pike spoke directly to the unsatisfied masses of conservatives who have grown weary of candidates plagued with shaky principles and sexual scandals stating, “Unlike my opponents, my record is untainted and proven, I will stand up to America’s enemies and I will pepper spray them right in the face.”  Interrupted by thunderous applause from those gathered at his rally, Pike shouted, “WITHOUT FLINCHING!”

As fervor for Mr. Pike picked up steam across America, which Pike’s handlers dubbed, “Pike Mania,” a boisterous rally broke out spontaneously in front of Mr. Pike’s Davis based motor-home.  Mr. Pike obliged the happy gatherers by greeting them with double fisted cans of pepper spray, urging them to, “get ready for the fight of their lives,” as he soaked each and every supporter outside his home.  “It was like a baptismal, but more intense” said Florence Gerber, one of Mr. Pike’s early supporters, adding, “I was coughing up blood, and I could barely breath for twenty minutes, it was the most religious moment of my life.  He even did me the honor of spraying my baby. I sure hope he wins.”

Polls indicate that Mr. Pike’s entry into the race for the White House is no flash in the pan.  AP reported that he is registering at 22%, only a few percentage points behind Mitt Romney for the lead in the GOP field.  Pike’s sudden surge in the field has prompted fellow GOP hopefuls to steal some of the noise generated by this latest development.  Texas Governor Rick Perry, who has been lagging in the polls of late, revealed that he once stabbed a hobo, “and I have the video tapes to prove it.”  Herman Cain dismissed Pike’s candidacy as old news claiming, “I’ve used pepper spray on countless female employees who have gotten out of line in my offices, its just good business sense.”

Questions remain as to how Mr. Pike’s popularity will hold up once put under the scrutiny of a nationally televised debate.  When asked how he would prepare for the event, Mr. Pike sited his police experience as his biggest advantage.  “My nine opponents will be lined up next each other, all mouthing off and not shutting up.  All I gotta do is fall back on my police training and just pepper-spray them in the face.  I guarantee I will be the only man left standing.”

Watch the video that made John Pike famous below.

Do You Want to Make More Money?

SallyStruthersSP

We all do!  But what can you do, you’re an uneducated slob with a horrible streak of agoraphobia!  Well, luckily, so is Sally Struthers, and she has used her massive star power to bring you the ICS, or International Correspondence School!  Jealous of all your friends who went to Harvard?  Feel intimidated by their fancy degrees in medicine and philosophy?  Well, there are a million doctors, but never a man with an Air Conditioner Repair/Florist degree around when you need em!  Parents telling you to stop jerking off and go back to school?  Well, now you can shut them up by majoring in High School with a minor in Gun Repair, while still playing Nintendo all morning!  And if they still give you lip, well, good luck to them when their guns break and they can’t shoot criminals.   Enjoy these classic Sally Struthers commercials from 1991 of all years, and yes phone number still works!  (Its a sex line now!)

Paul Rudd Has Broken into Our Mainframe!

Filed under: Blog,Willie Simpson — Tags: , , , , , , — Willie Simpson @ 9:29 am May 15, 2010

Hackers are everywhere, but celebrity hackers are the worst.  Because of their large egos, they invariably use up the most resources.  Our security tapes recently caught Paul Rudd breaking into our Internetclub91 mainframe and using our more experimental software.

Saved By The Bell: The College Years Review

Ken thinks he’s going back to college- until Willie discovers this means trashing the living room and watching “Saved By The Bell: The College Years”! It’s a full discussion of the one season spin-off, guaranteed to earn its degree in nostalgic pleasure!