KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.
The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.” The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated. The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age. Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”
The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush. “I had nothing to do with that. Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad. Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him. Would have liked to, but he never asked. It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.” When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media. My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”
When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union. These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.” The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage. Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.” Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.