George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Herman Cain: I’ve Never Had Sex, Ever

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the latest woman to come forward and accuse Presidential GOP contender Herman Cain of an inappropriate extramarital affair, Mr. Cain held a press conference proclaiming, “I want to set the record strait, I’ve never had sex, ever, period.”

The shocking admission from Mr. Cain, which seemed to fly in the face of logic and common sense, was his latest defense in what he called, “an unfair leftist media assault on my personal life.”  Questions arose as to how legitimate these statements from Mr. Cain were, in light of the fact that he has been married for 43 years and has two children.  Mr. Cain responded to these questions with indignant brusqueness, “Where does it say that if a man gets married he has to have sex?  It happens all the time, I know millions of guys who get married and never have sex, ever.  It’s not uncommon, but its how I know that all these women are liars.”  Asked if his children were adopted, Mr. Cain took an even more defensive posture, “What kind of question is that?  These are my children.  Did you ever hear of Jesus?  His parents never had sex, next question.”

Mr. Cain’s statements regarding his children’s origins provided even more confusion and contributed to the circus like atmosphere that quickly enveloped the press conference.  When asked if he believed if his children were the products of immaculate conception Cain said, “Who knows, it happened in the Bible, I’m sure it happens all the time.  God has a plan for everyone, and he probably wants the man with immaculate children to run the free world.  It just makes sense.”  In closing, Mr. Cain stated, “This is the last time we will be discussing this, so for the record, I’ve never had sex, I don’t like sex, and I won’t have sex, thank you, and God Bless America.”  With that, Mr. Cain promptly left the stage.

UC Davis “Pepper Spray” Police Officer Enters GOP Presidential Race

DAVIS, CALIFORNIA- Infamous UC Davis police officer John Pike, who rose to national prominence after casually pepper-spraying a group of protesting college students, has thrown his hat in the ring for the GOP nomination for President.

Mr. Pike, who was recently placed on administrative leave for his controversial actions last Friday, announced his candidacy late last night proclaiming, “They can take away my baton, my badge, and my can of pepper-spray, but they can’t take away my country.  I won’t let them.  That is why, I, John Pike, will be running for President of  the United States.”  The move, which is already shaking up the race for the GOP crown, has been met with great enthusiasm by much of the Republican base, desperately seeking a solid candidate who they can back.  Mr. Pike spoke directly to the unsatisfied masses of conservatives who have grown weary of candidates plagued with shaky principles and sexual scandals stating, “Unlike my opponents, my record is untainted and proven, I will stand up to America’s enemies and I will pepper spray them right in the face.”  Interrupted by thunderous applause from those gathered at his rally, Pike shouted, “WITHOUT FLINCHING!”

As fervor for Mr. Pike picked up steam across America, which Pike’s handlers dubbed, “Pike Mania,” a boisterous rally broke out spontaneously in front of Mr. Pike’s Davis based motor-home.  Mr. Pike obliged the happy gatherers by greeting them with double fisted cans of pepper spray, urging them to, “get ready for the fight of their lives,” as he soaked each and every supporter outside his home.  “It was like a baptismal, but more intense” said Florence Gerber, one of Mr. Pike’s early supporters, adding, “I was coughing up blood, and I could barely breath for twenty minutes, it was the most religious moment of my life.  He even did me the honor of spraying my baby. I sure hope he wins.”

Polls indicate that Mr. Pike’s entry into the race for the White House is no flash in the pan.  AP reported that he is registering at 22%, only a few percentage points behind Mitt Romney for the lead in the GOP field.  Pike’s sudden surge in the field has prompted fellow GOP hopefuls to steal some of the noise generated by this latest development.  Texas Governor Rick Perry, who has been lagging in the polls of late, revealed that he once stabbed a hobo, “and I have the video tapes to prove it.”  Herman Cain dismissed Pike’s candidacy as old news claiming, “I’ve used pepper spray on countless female employees who have gotten out of line in my offices, its just good business sense.”

Questions remain as to how Mr. Pike’s popularity will hold up once put under the scrutiny of a nationally televised debate.  When asked how he would prepare for the event, Mr. Pike sited his police experience as his biggest advantage.  “My nine opponents will be lined up next each other, all mouthing off and not shutting up.  All I gotta do is fall back on my police training and just pepper-spray them in the face.  I guarantee I will be the only man left standing.”

Watch the video that made John Pike famous below.

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