On Thanksgiving, Michelle Bachmann Thankful to all the Idiots

MINNESOTA- Michelle Bachmann, US Congresswoman and 2012 GOP competitor for the Presidency, issued a warm Thanksgiving message to all of her followers, especially to the “idiots everywhere who made my career possible.”  Her statement, released on behalf of her campaign, included the following remarks,

“Thanksgiving, America’s greatest holiday, is of course a time for giving thanks.  The tradition started hundreds of years ago when the Christian Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in peace and goodwill.  The Indians however, forever savage in their Satanically Godless ways, met the Angelic Pilgrims with suspicion and fear.  Scientists from Bob Jones University speculate that this was due to the light emanating from the Pilgrims’ alabaster white skin, which burned the Indians’ evil and naked flesh.  Despite this, the Pilgrims showered the local Indians with gifts of pant-leggings, Christian shame, alcohol, and malaria.  With trust established, and the Indians converted to the teachings of Jesus Christ through the awesome power of the Pilgrim’s charity, a feast was held and thanks were exchanged.  The Pilgrim’s heartily thanked the Indians for being allowed to share their sacred lands.  The Indians were so touched by the Pilgrims love of their land, that they promised to move away forever to Northern Canada and become Eskimos.  The lesson of the giving thanks still holds true to this day.  As I find myself in a race for the White House, I too must give thanks to everybody who put me in this position to succeed.  I want to thank the Evangelicals for their belief that only the most ardent literal believers in the teachings of Jesus Christ should be President.  I want to also thank the Conservative Jews for their desire to back people like myself who hate Muslims.  I want to thank the Tea Party, who never let reason and common sense get in the way of the raw emotional discord and terror that drives the movements engine of intolerance.  I also want to thank all the homophobes, the loners, the racists, the anti-Semites, the gun nuts, the undereducated, the jealous, the hysterical, and the paranoid masses.  And lastly, I want to thank the idiots everywhere who have made my career possible.  You are the ones that have elevated my rantings and egocentric desires for power and prestige, to the main stage of American politics.  Without you, I would not be where I am today.  God Bless.”


Romney Pledges More Misleading Obama Ads

WASHINGTON DC -  At an impromptu press conference held in Washington last night, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney responded to the media firestorm created by his campaign’s new ad which deliberately took a line Barrack Obama spoke out of context.  With a vigor not yet seem from notoriously stiff candidate, Romney not only promised more misleading ads, but proclaimed, “You ain’t seen n0thin’ yet.”

Romney, also took the opportunity to address the issue of Republican apathy towards his own campaign, stating, “This ad is only the beginning.  Once the voters of my party wake up and realize they are not handing the keys of the GOP machine over to a womanizing pizza man, a brain dead moron from Texas, or the mother from Carrie, it’ll be Mitt’s time to shine. “  When asked to explain what he meant about his “time to shine,” Romney responded indignantly, “Come on people!  Get real.  Unless I’ve been taking crazy pills, it’s clear that I’m gonna win this thing.  I’m white, handsome, and, as the son of a rich business man, voters somehow believe that I might know the secret to fixing the economy.  But I’m not here to talk about my qualifications, which are self-evident.”

Romney, normally criticized as appearing stiff and wooden, seemed more relaxed than he’s ever appeared in public.  Visibly loosening his tie, he began to wax poetic about the upcoming 2012 election.  “You know,  its amazing how in the first ad, which had just one line of Obama’s taken out of context, caused such a storm.  Can you imagine when the Republican machine and I start breaking out the greatest hits?  Hah!”  Asked to clarify what those “hits” might be, it seemed that Romney was fighting back laughter stating, “What?  What do you think?  Obama the socialist, Obama the secret Muslim, Obama the Nazi, and of course, the coup de grace, Obama’s birth certificate.  We’ve got hundreds of them warming in the bullpen.  And that’s just the tried and true stuff.  We’ve hired a team of professional science fiction writers to create thousands of stories.  I mean, have you ever seen the way Obama’s ears stick out?  Kinda Martian like, no?  Hahaha, but seriously, we’re gonna make people think Obama is an android from the Soviet Union when we’re through with him.”

In his closing remarks Romney took a more defensive stance when asked if his campaign had gone too far.  “Too far?  You can’t go too far!  This is exactly what America wants.  These baseless accusations and lies appease the wingnuts in my party, and they stir up the left into wasting their time countering them when they should be talking about the issues at hand.  It’s win-win!”

The White House having already issued a stark criticism of Romney’s first ad, calling it “deceitful” and “dishonest,” have yet to respond to Romney’s most recent comments that Obama is “a transgender KGB operative sent to poison America’s supply of milk, and that it makes sense if you think about it.”

Below is Romney’s first ad which contains the misleading line attributed to Obama…