WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year. With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world. The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve. This cannot stand. I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”
The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America. Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office. In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure. As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.” Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t? But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”
The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him. We have to stop him. Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill. The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.” Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”
See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.