Herman Cain: I’ve Never Had Sex, Ever

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the latest woman to come forward and accuse Presidential GOP contender Herman Cain of an inappropriate extramarital affair, Mr. Cain held a press conference proclaiming, “I want to set the record strait, I’ve never had sex, ever, period.”

The shocking admission from Mr. Cain, which seemed to fly in the face of logic and common sense, was his latest defense in what he called, “an unfair leftist media assault on my personal life.”  Questions arose as to how legitimate these statements from Mr. Cain were, in light of the fact that he has been married for 43 years and has two children.  Mr. Cain responded to these questions with indignant brusqueness, “Where does it say that if a man gets married he has to have sex?  It happens all the time, I know millions of guys who get married and never have sex, ever.  It’s not uncommon, but its how I know that all these women are liars.”  Asked if his children were adopted, Mr. Cain took an even more defensive posture, “What kind of question is that?  These are my children.  Did you ever hear of Jesus?  His parents never had sex, next question.”

Mr. Cain’s statements regarding his children’s origins provided even more confusion and contributed to the circus like atmosphere that quickly enveloped the press conference.  When asked if he believed if his children were the products of immaculate conception Cain said, “Who knows, it happened in the Bible, I’m sure it happens all the time.  God has a plan for everyone, and he probably wants the man with immaculate children to run the free world.  It just makes sense.”  In closing, Mr. Cain stated, “This is the last time we will be discussing this, so for the record, I’ve never had sex, I don’t like sex, and I won’t have sex, thank you, and God Bless America.”  With that, Mr. Cain promptly left the stage.