George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Obama Not Ruling Out Use of Nuclear Weapons in Ongoing War on Christmas

WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year.  With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world.  The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve.  This cannot stand.  I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”

The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America.  Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office.  In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure.  As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.”  Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t?  But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”

The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him.  We have to stop him.  Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill.  The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.”  Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”

See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.

Romney Pledges More Misleading Obama Ads

WASHINGTON DC -  At an impromptu press conference held in Washington last night, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney responded to the media firestorm created by his campaign’s new ad which deliberately took a line Barrack Obama spoke out of context.  With a vigor not yet seem from notoriously stiff candidate, Romney not only promised more misleading ads, but proclaimed, “You ain’t seen n0thin’ yet.”

Romney, also took the opportunity to address the issue of Republican apathy towards his own campaign, stating, “This ad is only the beginning.  Once the voters of my party wake up and realize they are not handing the keys of the GOP machine over to a womanizing pizza man, a brain dead moron from Texas, or the mother from Carrie, it’ll be Mitt’s time to shine. “  When asked to explain what he meant about his “time to shine,” Romney responded indignantly, “Come on people!  Get real.  Unless I’ve been taking crazy pills, it’s clear that I’m gonna win this thing.  I’m white, handsome, and, as the son of a rich business man, voters somehow believe that I might know the secret to fixing the economy.  But I’m not here to talk about my qualifications, which are self-evident.”

Romney, normally criticized as appearing stiff and wooden, seemed more relaxed than he’s ever appeared in public.  Visibly loosening his tie, he began to wax poetic about the upcoming 2012 election.  “You know,  its amazing how in the first ad, which had just one line of Obama’s taken out of context, caused such a storm.  Can you imagine when the Republican machine and I start breaking out the greatest hits?  Hah!”  Asked to clarify what those “hits” might be, it seemed that Romney was fighting back laughter stating, “What?  What do you think?  Obama the socialist, Obama the secret Muslim, Obama the Nazi, and of course, the coup de grace, Obama’s birth certificate.  We’ve got hundreds of them warming in the bullpen.  And that’s just the tried and true stuff.  We’ve hired a team of professional science fiction writers to create thousands of stories.  I mean, have you ever seen the way Obama’s ears stick out?  Kinda Martian like, no?  Hahaha, but seriously, we’re gonna make people think Obama is an android from the Soviet Union when we’re through with him.”

In his closing remarks Romney took a more defensive stance when asked if his campaign had gone too far.  “Too far?  You can’t go too far!  This is exactly what America wants.  These baseless accusations and lies appease the wingnuts in my party, and they stir up the left into wasting their time countering them when they should be talking about the issues at hand.  It’s win-win!”

The White House having already issued a stark criticism of Romney’s first ad, calling it “deceitful” and “dishonest,” have yet to respond to Romney’s most recent comments that Obama is “a transgender KGB operative sent to poison America’s supply of milk, and that it makes sense if you think about it.”

Below is Romney’s first ad which contains the misleading line attributed to Obama…

Obama Vows to Push Child GPS Implant Plan Despite Assassination Attempt

AUSTRALIA- Holding an impromptu press conference while abroad in Australia, President Barack Obama vowed to continue his plan to implant GPS tracking chips in every American child despite the recent assassination attempt on his life.

“The policies of this administration will not be held hostage to lone gunmen who try to try to intimidate my family, myself, and the Office of President of the United States with violence.”  The President sounded a defiant tone as he vowed to continue his fight to make sure every child in America has a Global Positioning System implanted in their cerebral hemispheres by 2012 proclaiming, “The struggle continues.  Everyday that the federal government is not surgically implanting GPS chips in our children’s brains, is another day that pedophiles, terrorists, and UFOs can kidnap America’s children with impunity.  I will not rest until we know where your children are, at all times, for their entire lives.”

The alleged assassin, an Idaho man named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez, was an outspoken opponent to Obama’s planned legislation.  He was known to actively give speeches in his basement, rallying an Elmo doll and a jar of dead bees to take action.  The 21 year old Hernandez, acting on his own rhetoric, took off to Washington DC last week and fired his revolver several times at the White House, striking a bulletproof window.  Not knowing that Obama and his family were away at the time, Hernandez is being charged by federal authorities for an attempted assassination, a charge that could land him in prison for life.

The negative publicity surrounding the circumstances of Obama’s attempted assassination has been a setback for the opponents of the President’s proposed GPS Implant Law.  A spokesman speaking for the movement to stop Obama’s bill was quoted as saying, “The actions of Mr. Hernandez was a devastating blow to our cause, and will likely rally Congress to approve of Obama’s plan with greater haste.  While we agree that all of America’s children must be monitored, our suggestion of attaching unbreakable GPS ankle bracelets, in place of the President’s insistence on surgical implants, should be not be diminished due to the actions of one man.”

In his press conference, President Obama once again responded to critics of his plan stating, “Having talked to the parents of this country, and being a parent myself, I just do not trust the durability and reliability of an ankle bracelet.  The only way to be sure that we will never lose our children is to make sure that the GPS chips are implanted firmly and securely in our children’s brains, thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.”

No S.O.P.A. For You

Lets be honest for a second folks.  If you were born in the mid 80s, you were a kid that saw the dawn of the internet age.  You probably had precious little money for CDs, video games, and movies, and consequently, you’ve stolen a million dollars worth of free entertainment since 1997.  But should that be enough to allow corporations to police and censor the internet, the last bastion of truly free mass expression left in the world?

In my life, I can think of two absurd peaks during the internet piracy free for all that has engulfed an entire generation.  The first was the introduction of Napster, the free online music service that has never seen an equal.  Sure, there were clunky imitators that tried to fill the hole left by Napster’s demise, like Kazaa and Limewire, and the kids of today probably use torrent sites to find free music, or gasp, even pay for music using iTunes.  Still, nobody matched Napster at its height.  Napster was ultra-fast, easy to use, and contained every song that was ever digitized on a computer, ever.  It was as if every track, of every CD, sold in every CD store around the world was available at your fingertips.  How was that possible?  Because up until the moment of Napster’s creation, all anyone ever had was CDs, and nearly everybody started backing them up on computers when they realized how easily destroyable they were.  It was a goldmine of music with no licensing restrictions, and no pesky fees that seem to be the rage these days.  But Napster died a cruel death, thanks in large part to Metallica.

The next peak was a bit more personal for me.  In 2003, I was a freshmen at Rutgers College.  The campus was hooked up with pristine T3 ultra-fast broadband access in every dorm room.  Some kids who lived in the river dorms set up a campus-only intranet service on a program called Direct Connect.  You’d get the password from some guy on your floor, load up DC, log onto the Rutgers server, and sweet fancy Moses, you had access to the largest database of pirated shit you had ever seen.  Every movie, every song, every video game, and every text book available, free to download at insanely fast speeds.  Somehow the people running Direct Connect managed to have the latest video games free to download the week before they were released, and in less then ten minutes, you’d be playing it.  It was unreal, and only lasted a year and a half before the Rutgers Direct Connect, and similar services offered at campuses around the country got shut down for good.

In today’s world, piracy is just as rampant, and requires little work to access.  Bit torrent websites are rampant, and savvy web surfers know how to squeeze the sweet free golden nectar out of them.  The only difference is running the risk of receiving a threatening legal letter from a movie studio or record company, and gulp, actually facing real consequences for getting caught.  It’s a little risky, but millions and millions of people worldwide, ferociously addicted t0 their free ride, take the chance and continuously download illegal files constantly.  But  perhaps for not much longer, at least for citizens of the United States.

Today the US Congress is considering the Stop Online Piracy Bill, or SOPA for short, and if it is passed, has wide reaching implications for enjoying the internet as you know it.  If the bill is passed, it would allow corporations that hold copyright, and law enforcement agencies, to block access to any website or search engine that allows access to such materials.  On the surface, this is an easy to swallow bill to sell to Americans, and as a result enjoys bi-partisan support.  The danger is, that if enacted, corporations would have the right to censor large swaths of the internet for perceived copyright infringement, potentially destroying thousands of legitimate e-commerce websites who will be left with little recourse.  We aren’t just talking websites like yours truly and my sister site, but massive internet mainstays like YouTube.  Because someone posted an unauthorized video of the Rolling Stones singing “Satisfaction” on a TV show no one has ever heard of, and would otherwise have been forgotten to history, that gives some corporation the right to shut down the entire YouTube enterprise that everybody loves.  Naturally, companies like Facebook, Google, and Firefox have come out strongly against the bill.  So much of their profits are derived from people searching and sharing media freely, but the powerful lobbies of the Motion Picture Association of America and the Recording Industry Association of America have lobbied hardcore for its passage.

The golden age of piracy has had many effects on the entertainment industry. First off, it rightfully slaughtered the record industry.  It was a bloated, thieving, bottom line octopus, sucking quality and culture from an art form with its brain-dead quest to promote mainstream music that nobody in this ever fractured niche world could unite behind.  It probably has wounded the movie companies too, as people go to movies less and buy less DVDs.  Why bother when they can just wait a few months to download a pristine copy of the movie for free?  Still, the problems affecting these two titans of entertainment should not allow them the right to lobby for legislation that gives them the power to black out large chunks of the internet due to a perceived violation of copyright law.  In many cases, fair use with copyrights is a complex field of legality, and allowing for a powerful entity like the MPAA, who has unlimited legal funds, to shut down your business and potentially drag you into a costly legal battle on dubious grounds is just plain wrong.  S.O.P.A. should be stopped, and if it is passed, every elected official who voted for it should be voted out come their next election.  It’s a black and white question of free speech and corporate censorship that should not stand in the United States.