We all do!  But what can you do, you’re an uneducated slob with a horrible streak of agoraphobia!  Well, luckily, so is Sally Struthers, and she has used her massive star power to bring you the ICS, or International Correspondence School!  Jealous of all your friends who went to Harvard?  Feel intimidated by their fancy degrees in medicine and philosophy?  Well, there are a million doctors, but never a man with an Air Conditioner Repair/Florist degree around when you need em!  Parents telling you to stop jerking off and go back to school?  Well, now you can shut them up by majoring in High School with a minor in Gun Repair, while still playing Nintendo all morning!  And if they still give you lip, well, good luck to them when their guns break and they can’t shoot criminals.   Enjoy these classic Sally Struthers commercials from 1991 of all years, and yes phone number still works!  (Its a sex line now!)

Mario is a short pudgy weakling.  He runs around the Mushroom Kingdom completely vulnerable to all the enemies rushing to kill him.  The only advantage he has is his shoes.  Apparently his shoes are spiked with needles laced with cyanide, and can murder any foe who doesn’t have a spike sticking out of their head.  Now, in a world as dangerous as the Mushroom Kingdom, it would be awfully pointless for Mario to try and survive if he didn’t have a little help.  Lucky for him, there are many magical power-ups to be found to protect Mario’s fragile mortality.  So without further ado, here are the top ten Power-Ups to be found in the world of Mario.

#10- The Magic Mushroom- Its the first power-up Mario ever encounters, (not counting the hammer in Donkey Kong).  The mushroom makes Mario twice his normal size, and also able to withstand a violent attack without dying.  When I was a kid, I always thought the Mushroom made Mario his normal adult self, as if his small pudgy starting point was the effect of some kind of Koopa Kurse or something.  But the reality is, the small Mario is the real Mario.  Assuming Mario has normal human height of about 5 foot 8 inches, the mushroom makes him over ten feet tall!  That in turn makes you realize that these goombas and koopa troopers are the size of regular people…scary!  The reason this mushroom is ranked low on the list is because despite its usefulness, its the most plentiful power-up, and therefore the most boring to encounter.

#9- The Star- The Star is another original Mario power-up, and one of the games cheapest thrills.  It makes Mario invincible for about 30 seconds, save for falling into pits or lava.  It turns Mario a whole assortment of rainbow colors, and in Super Mario 3 it allows Mario to do flips.  The problem with the star is that sometimes it makes Mario act crazy.  Can he kill that 10th enemy in a row to get that 1-up bonus or will it run out causing Mario to get killed by a stupid fish?  Will Mario slide off a ledge because he is carelessly gorging on his power while ramming goombas blindly down the road?  Also, when he finds one, the Star bounces around, causing Mario to chase it stupidly, often to his death.  The Star is also useless in your inventory in Mario 3, as there is usually no point in using them to start the beginnings of any level.

#8- Frog Suit- The Frog Suit has its fans, and has its uses, but have you ever tried wearing this thing outside the ocean?  There is no way you’ll be able to beat a dry land level just wearing the suit.  The suit allows Mario to jump really high on land, swim in 4 directions underwater, and reach secret pipes that shoot air out of them that regular Mario can’t get to.  On dry land, Mario can’t run, he hops, and Mario needs his feet to execute the fancy fast footwork needed to make it through the Mushroom Kingdom in one piece.  The biggest problem with the suit though is resisting the urge to put it on as soon as you find it because its just so fun to see Mario hop around like an idiot.

#7- Super Leaf- Why does a leaf turn a man into a flying raccoon?  This will be a zen riddle in a thousand years when Mario Brothers 3 is long forgotten.  If it weren’t for the leaf, we would never have found that warp whistle in the castle in World 1-1, or have floated to safety after having flown a bit too far over a chasm.  The leaf would be higher on the list if their weren’t a few other models that improved its design and expanded its uses.

#6- Feather - The feather is found in Super Mario World, and just like the leaf randomly turning Mario into a raccoon, the feather inexplicably gives Mario a cape.  The cape allows Mario to fly, float, smash stuff with his head, and spin in circles like a lunatic!  Flying with the cape is an art, as once you stop flying up, you can accidentally start crashing down right into a death trap.

#5- Fire Flower- You know a Mario game kind of sucks when it doesn’t include the Fire Flower.  I’m looking at you Mario 2 and Mario 64!  The fire flower is awesome.  It’s basically Mario’s gun, but instead of bullets, he launches fireballs… from his hands.  It also gives Mario that sharp white and red color scheme that is such a cool alternative to his normal duds.  Same goes for Luigi, of course though, he is white and green.  I loved making it through a Koopa Castle in any game and then trying to defeat Bowser or one of his children with the fireballs.  It’s Mario’s best weapon that’s the easiest to find.

#4- Tanooki Suit- What’s a Tanooki?  I think its Japanese for raccoon or some animal like it.  Anyway, this suit has all the features of the leaf but with two huge advantages.  The first is that Mario can turn into a statue that enemies can’t touch…pretty awesome.  The second is just how cute he looks.  Almost too cute…which is why this suit doesn’t crack the top 3.

#3- Kuribo’s Shoe- Kuribo is the word the Japanese use for Goomba, so its really just “Goomba’s Shoe.”  Who knew the goombas even had shoes?  Wait…do they?…They do have those little feat…are they wearing shoes?  It’s hard to tell…but in one magical level in Super Mario Bros. 3, you get to jump into this over-sized shoe of death with the little windup crank on the side.  The shoe can jump really high, crush any enemy (even ones with spikes), and safely cross those mini chomping piranha plants with no problem.  This is one of the rarest power-ups in all the Mushroom Kingdom, and because you only get it once, it keeps it from contending for best power-up ever.

#2- P-Wing- Princess Toadstool seemed to have a lot of them, as did a few of those Toad house guys, but when Mario got his hands on one, he was an unstoppable God.  The P-Wing let Mario fly throughout an entire level without having to touch the ground.  The only downside was that it only worked for one level.  No normal Mario player ever even sniffed the end of Mario 3 without a few P-Wings saved up to soar past Koopa’s tanks and his air ships.  It was slightly annoying because throughout the whole level you had to hear that chirping raccoon noise dominate the sound-scape, but who cares, as far as you were concerned, it was the sweet sound of victory.

#1- Hammer Bros. Suit- This is my favorite Mario power-up ever.  It allows Mario to throw a lot of deadly hammers in an awesome arc of destruction.  Also, when Mario ducks, he becomes a little black shell that is immune to fireballs and most other projectiles.  His hammers are deadly and can even kill those large spiky blocks with the angry faces!  The hammer suit is very hard to get, you can get a couple in world 6, and one in world 7.  The suit also turns Mario and Luigi’s skin slightly darker and more yellowish, perhaps to resemble the color of the koopa troopers.  Also, if you beat an air-ship with the suit, the rescued king will say, “Hey how about lending me your clothes? No dice!?  What a drag.”  While it has some drawbacks, like the hammers being difficult to aim, and the fact that its very hard to get, the suit just has an incredible look which to me, expands the overall artistic beauty found in Super Mario Brothers 3.

I love Biggie Smalls.  Because I’m an intellectual white guy from Brooklyn, of course I can’t help but compare him to Bob Dylan.  Both were poets, soothsayers, shamans, uncompromising truth speakers, but more then all that, artists of endless talent.  But unlike Bob, Biggie was gunned down when he was only 24 years old.  An absolute travesty.  Biggie was a genius, and his early demise was a massive hit to youth culture.  His universal appeal,  his perfect flow, and his unflinching need to speak truth to power, could have risen him to untold heights of cultural and even political significance.  With all that said, all we are left with is a taste of his magic, a mere glimmer of his ability to effortlessly achieve these things.

I’m a New Yorker.  I happen to work right by the World Trade Center.  I’ve walked by it nearly everyday for the past 3 years.  Biggie too, was a New Yorker, one of the greatest New Yorkers ever, and on September 11th, I always think of his immortal line from “Juicy,” “Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight, time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade…”  The line of course was a reference to the 93 bombing, but given Biggie’s ability to so frequently hit the truth on insane levels of profundity, its no surprise that a throwaway line such as this would resonate so deeply years later in one of his most personal and vulnerable songs.  So here it is, on 9/11/10, Biggie’s “Juicy,” one of the greatest songs about the man, and about New York City.

VIDEO 1, Pioneer’s Incredible 6 disc CD changer.  This video is incredible.  Not only will Pioneer’s 6 disc system play your musical fantasies forever, you’ll be able to dance on neon lit pools of water with futuristic space witches!

VIDEO #2, The king of CD technology was obviously Sony, and their ads displayed the joy, spirit of community, and love that the power of CDs could bring.  Here is an especially cheesy ad that reminds us that, “Nothing captures the power of music, like a CD, and nothing unleashes it, like a Sony.”

VIDEO #3, Did you know that Hitachi’s laser bay system challenged you from distinguishing live music from recorded music in your own living room?  I can’t tell you how many times I’d wake up to the sound of music in my house and think that Pearl Jam was downstairs visiting my home, only to discover my older sister was just playing one of their CDs.   Also, the idea of having a laser bay somewhere in your home was awesome.

VIDEO #4, Of course you can’t talk about CDs, without talking about their super cousins, the CD-ROM.  CD-ROM’s finally let computers play awesome music, games, and videos.  Check out Gateway’s incredibly strange video where the world’s greatest dad bestows upon his daughter a standard rig at a budget price.  The best part comes when the girl asks the dad, “But what are you gonna use daddy?”  Of course dad then proceeds to wordlessly strut through his magical neon pink lit room filled with the most awesome gear available.

VIDEO # 1, Hot Drinks, where we learn the serious difference between brewing regular and de-caf coffee…

VIDEO #2- Cold Drinks, a groundbreaking rap song exploring the difficulties of controlling foam in the auto soft drink machines.

VIDEO # 3- Got to Serve the Drinks, ok, people, you’re just not getting it!  I thought the first two videos taught you everything about serving drinks, but I was wrong, and for the LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET THE CHILI BOWLS!

VIDEO # 4, Chili can be served with cheese, frostys come in four sizes, don’t serve expired milk, and cookies should never be broken!

I can’t think of 3 things form the 90s more iconic than the dazzling, 16-bit glory of the SNES, the exciting, alternative taste of Pepsi, and the bone crushing power of ultra athlete, Bo Jackson. The question is, what would happen if you put all three together? Would aliens come down to Earth?  Would the city of Atlantis rise from the watery depths?  Would Cindy Crawford’s mole fall off?  Scientists have speculated for years, but don’t you know it, a meeting DID occur between these three titans of 90s iconography, and it went a little bit like this…

To coincide with the release of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World this Friday, game developer Ubisoft has released a retro styled brawler featuring the Scott Pilgrim character on a mission to defeat his girlfriend’s 7 evil boyfriends.

What’s not to like here? The 8-bit pixel art looks beautiful, the music (by Anamanaguchi) sounds bit-tastic, and it’s available for download on Playstation 3 (soon to be released on X-Box) at the low price of $10.

My parents never bought me any video game systems, but when I was six or seven years old, my family had these friends we’d visit on Long Island somewhere, and they had a Sega Master System with all the accessories, and like 100 games.  I had never seen anything like it.  Whenever we went over, it was like stepping into one of these commercials, especially because I only had access to that stuff for an hour or two.

I love this last ad, here we learn about the Master System’s amazing features like scrolling backgrounds, 64 colors (not bits), and digital sounds!  And what’s that?  Holy shit, 3d video games???  This ad is so awesome that I want all this stuff right now…in 2010!!!