DAVIS, CALIFORNIA- Infamous UC Davis police officer John Pike, who rose to national prominence after casually pepper-spraying a group of protesting college students, has thrown his hat in the ring for the GOP nomination for President.
Mr. Pike, who was recently placed on administrative leave for his controversial actions last Friday, announced his candidacy late last night proclaiming, “They can take away my baton, my badge, and my can of pepper-spray, but they can’t take away my country. I won’t let them. That is why, I, John Pike, will be running for President of the United States.” The move, which is already shaking up the race for the GOP crown, has been met with great enthusiasm by much of the Republican base, desperately seeking a solid candidate who they can back. Mr. Pike spoke directly to the unsatisfied masses of conservatives who have grown weary of candidates plagued with shaky principles and sexual scandals stating, “Unlike my opponents, my record is untainted and proven, I will stand up to America’s enemies and I will pepper spray them right in the face.” Interrupted by thunderous applause from those gathered at his rally, Pike shouted, “WITHOUT FLINCHING!”
As fervor for Mr. Pike picked up steam across America, which Pike’s handlers dubbed, “Pike Mania,” a boisterous rally broke out spontaneously in front of Mr. Pike’s Davis based motor-home. Mr. Pike obliged the happy gatherers by greeting them with double fisted cans of pepper spray, urging them to, “get ready for the fight of their lives,” as he soaked each and every supporter outside his home. “It was like a baptismal, but more intense” said Florence Gerber, one of Mr. Pike’s early supporters, adding, “I was coughing up blood, and I could barely breath for twenty minutes, it was the most religious moment of my life. He even did me the honor of spraying my baby. I sure hope he wins.”
Polls indicate that Mr. Pike’s entry into the race for the White House is no flash in the pan. AP reported that he is registering at 22%, only a few percentage points behind Mitt Romney for the lead in the GOP field. Pike’s sudden surge in the field has prompted fellow GOP hopefuls to steal some of the noise generated by this latest development. Texas Governor Rick Perry, who has been lagging in the polls of late, revealed that he once stabbed a hobo, “and I have the video tapes to prove it.” Herman Cain dismissed Pike’s candidacy as old news claiming, “I’ve used pepper spray on countless female employees who have gotten out of line in my offices, its just good business sense.”
Questions remain as to how Mr. Pike’s popularity will hold up once put under the scrutiny of a nationally televised debate. When asked how he would prepare for the event, Mr. Pike sited his police experience as his biggest advantage. “My nine opponents will be lined up next each other, all mouthing off and not shutting up. All I gotta do is fall back on my police training and just pepper-spray them in the face. I guarantee I will be the only man left standing.”
Watch the video that made John Pike famous below.