George H.W. Bush Announces 2012 Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE – In a stunning announcement that is sure to shake up the 2012 race for the GOP nomination, 87 year old former President George H.W. Bush proclaimed his intention to run for President of the United States.

The former President, long considered retired since his defeat at the hands of Bill Clinton in 1992, announced his return to politics at a press conference late last Sunday Night, declaring, “America is a great land, and I once had the honor as serving as her President, now I want another crack at it.”  The news was met with bewilderment across political circles, as it is unprecedented in modern times for former Presidents to seek extra terms once already defeated.  The biggest criticism was reserved for the former President’s advanced age.  Mr. Bush was unmoved by such criticisms stating, “If I can figure out the buttons on the VCR, I sure as heck can figure out the buttons in the nuclear suitcase…That’s right… we keep the codes in a suitcase, handcuffed to an NSA man, I bet you didn’t know that…you did?…Well, I can figure them out, it involves turning keys.”

The President also faced questions regarding the wide unpopularity of his son, former President George W. Bush.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Everybody thought that when he was elected President, he’d have me in his corner if things got real bad.  Well, I wasn’t in his corner, and I didn’t help him.  Would have liked to, but he never asked.  It doesn’t matter because I disowned him years ago in the early 80s when he was a drunken fool of a boy.”  When asked about his father’s harsh and derogatory dismissal of his own presidency, George W. Bush released the following comment, “The words spoken by my father were taken in context, and therefore, were misinterpertated by the media.  My father was a great American, having fought for our freedom in World War I under his commander in chief, Ronald Reagan.”

When pressed on his agenda and issues he’d like to bring to the race for the GOP nomination, Mr. Bush said, “I’d like to draw attention to the important problems America faces, protecting Kuwait, NAFTA, and dealing with the break up of the Soviet Union.  These are pressing matters that require a prudent leader, one unafraid to lock up the Willie Horton’s of the world.”  The press conference was then abruptly ended when former First Lady Barbara Bush entered the room and quickly exited the former President off the stage.  Before leaving, she turned and admonished the press gathering, “You should all be ashamed, I don’t know who put you up to this, but my husband should not be up this hour, now go home and give us our privacy.”  Early polls released Monday morning had the former President running neck and neck with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Obama Not Ruling Out Use of Nuclear Weapons in Ongoing War on Christmas

WASHINGTON DC- In a briefing at the White House today, President Obama announced that the United States reserves the right to use nuclear force if the War on Christmas is not won by December 25th of this calender year.  With grim reserve, the President announced that, “The photographs that our spy satellites have captured in the North Pole region, have made it clear that Santa Claus, and his fanatical elf followers, are still producing toys for all the good children across the world.  The conclusions to be drawn from such indisputable evidence is that Mr. Claus still intends to distribute said toys on Christmas Eve.  This cannot stand.  I will do everything in my power as President to stop this from happening, and yes, that includes the use of our nuclear arms.”

The President’s statement comes at a time when his controversial war on Christmas has hit a fever pitch across America.  Opponents of the war, like GOP Presidential candidate Rick Perry, have pledged to end the war if elected to office.  In a statement addressing these latest developments Perry said, “The President’s War on Christmas is just a big distraction created to stop the American people from paying attention to our ailing economy, failing schools, and crumbling infrastructure.  As President, I would end the war so we can return to the business of creating jobs.”  Reporters questioned Mr. Perry on whether he thought stopping Santa Claus would be in America’s best interest, to which Perry replied, “Sure, I’d love to kill Santa Claus, who wouldn’t?  But its foolish and impossible, that’s like wishing that a man could someday walk on the moon, but its never going to happen.”

The President reaffirmed his stance on “Operation Santa Kill Now,” claiming, “I know we can stop him.  We have to stop him.  Santa Claus and his North Pole cabal is like one big snake strangling the whole world every year with its jolly candy canes and messages of peace and goodwill.  The only way to kill a snake is to cut off its head, and if that’s what it takes to bring this war to end, that’s what we’ll do.”  Before ending the briefing, the President had one final message to share with the American people, “Merry Kwanza, and have a happy Chinese New Year…this coming February.”

See Rick Perry’s Campaign ad where he pledges to stop President Obama’s “War on Christmas,” below.

Herman Cain: I’ve Never Had Sex, Ever

WASHINGTON DC – In light of the latest woman to come forward and accuse Presidential GOP contender Herman Cain of an inappropriate extramarital affair, Mr. Cain held a press conference proclaiming, “I want to set the record strait, I’ve never had sex, ever, period.”

The shocking admission from Mr. Cain, which seemed to fly in the face of logic and common sense, was his latest defense in what he called, “an unfair leftist media assault on my personal life.”  Questions arose as to how legitimate these statements from Mr. Cain were, in light of the fact that he has been married for 43 years and has two children.  Mr. Cain responded to these questions with indignant brusqueness, “Where does it say that if a man gets married he has to have sex?  It happens all the time, I know millions of guys who get married and never have sex, ever.  It’s not uncommon, but its how I know that all these women are liars.”  Asked if his children were adopted, Mr. Cain took an even more defensive posture, “What kind of question is that?  These are my children.  Did you ever hear of Jesus?  His parents never had sex, next question.”

Mr. Cain’s statements regarding his children’s origins provided even more confusion and contributed to the circus like atmosphere that quickly enveloped the press conference.  When asked if he believed if his children were the products of immaculate conception Cain said, “Who knows, it happened in the Bible, I’m sure it happens all the time.  God has a plan for everyone, and he probably wants the man with immaculate children to run the free world.  It just makes sense.”  In closing, Mr. Cain stated, “This is the last time we will be discussing this, so for the record, I’ve never had sex, I don’t like sex, and I won’t have sex, thank you, and God Bless America.”  With that, Mr. Cain promptly left the stage.

Romney Pledges More Misleading Obama Ads

WASHINGTON DC -  At an impromptu press conference held in Washington last night, GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney responded to the media firestorm created by his campaign’s new ad which deliberately took a line Barrack Obama spoke out of context.  With a vigor not yet seem from notoriously stiff candidate, Romney not only promised more misleading ads, but proclaimed, “You ain’t seen n0thin’ yet.”

Romney, also took the opportunity to address the issue of Republican apathy towards his own campaign, stating, “This ad is only the beginning.  Once the voters of my party wake up and realize they are not handing the keys of the GOP machine over to a womanizing pizza man, a brain dead moron from Texas, or the mother from Carrie, it’ll be Mitt’s time to shine. “  When asked to explain what he meant about his “time to shine,” Romney responded indignantly, “Come on people!  Get real.  Unless I’ve been taking crazy pills, it’s clear that I’m gonna win this thing.  I’m white, handsome, and, as the son of a rich business man, voters somehow believe that I might know the secret to fixing the economy.  But I’m not here to talk about my qualifications, which are self-evident.”

Romney, normally criticized as appearing stiff and wooden, seemed more relaxed than he’s ever appeared in public.  Visibly loosening his tie, he began to wax poetic about the upcoming 2012 election.  “You know,  its amazing how in the first ad, which had just one line of Obama’s taken out of context, caused such a storm.  Can you imagine when the Republican machine and I start breaking out the greatest hits?  Hah!”  Asked to clarify what those “hits” might be, it seemed that Romney was fighting back laughter stating, “What?  What do you think?  Obama the socialist, Obama the secret Muslim, Obama the Nazi, and of course, the coup de grace, Obama’s birth certificate.  We’ve got hundreds of them warming in the bullpen.  And that’s just the tried and true stuff.  We’ve hired a team of professional science fiction writers to create thousands of stories.  I mean, have you ever seen the way Obama’s ears stick out?  Kinda Martian like, no?  Hahaha, but seriously, we’re gonna make people think Obama is an android from the Soviet Union when we’re through with him.”

In his closing remarks Romney took a more defensive stance when asked if his campaign had gone too far.  “Too far?  You can’t go too far!  This is exactly what America wants.  These baseless accusations and lies appease the wingnuts in my party, and they stir up the left into wasting their time countering them when they should be talking about the issues at hand.  It’s win-win!”

The White House having already issued a stark criticism of Romney’s first ad, calling it “deceitful” and “dishonest,” have yet to respond to Romney’s most recent comments that Obama is “a transgender KGB operative sent to poison America’s supply of milk, and that it makes sense if you think about it.”

Below is Romney’s first ad which contains the misleading line attributed to Obama…

Obama Vows to Push Child GPS Implant Plan Despite Assassination Attempt

AUSTRALIA- Holding an impromptu press conference while abroad in Australia, President Barack Obama vowed to continue his plan to implant GPS tracking chips in every American child despite the recent assassination attempt on his life.

“The policies of this administration will not be held hostage to lone gunmen who try to try to intimidate my family, myself, and the Office of President of the United States with violence.”  The President sounded a defiant tone as he vowed to continue his fight to make sure every child in America has a Global Positioning System implanted in their cerebral hemispheres by 2012 proclaiming, “The struggle continues.  Everyday that the federal government is not surgically implanting GPS chips in our children’s brains, is another day that pedophiles, terrorists, and UFOs can kidnap America’s children with impunity.  I will not rest until we know where your children are, at all times, for their entire lives.”

The alleged assassin, an Idaho man named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez, was an outspoken opponent to Obama’s planned legislation.  He was known to actively give speeches in his basement, rallying an Elmo doll and a jar of dead bees to take action.  The 21 year old Hernandez, acting on his own rhetoric, took off to Washington DC last week and fired his revolver several times at the White House, striking a bulletproof window.  Not knowing that Obama and his family were away at the time, Hernandez is being charged by federal authorities for an attempted assassination, a charge that could land him in prison for life.

The negative publicity surrounding the circumstances of Obama’s attempted assassination has been a setback for the opponents of the President’s proposed GPS Implant Law.  A spokesman speaking for the movement to stop Obama’s bill was quoted as saying, “The actions of Mr. Hernandez was a devastating blow to our cause, and will likely rally Congress to approve of Obama’s plan with greater haste.  While we agree that all of America’s children must be monitored, our suggestion of attaching unbreakable GPS ankle bracelets, in place of the President’s insistence on surgical implants, should be not be diminished due to the actions of one man.”

In his press conference, President Obama once again responded to critics of his plan stating, “Having talked to the parents of this country, and being a parent myself, I just do not trust the durability and reliability of an ankle bracelet.  The only way to be sure that we will never lose our children is to make sure that the GPS chips are implanted firmly and securely in our children’s brains, thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.”

John F. Kennedy on Occupy Wall Street

Greetings my fellow Americans.  John F. Kennedy here, former 35th President of the United States.  For those of you wondering, yes, I am dead, murdered in cold blood by alien forces from another planet.  Long story short, I met with the aliens in an attempt to make a fair trade for their secrets regarding interstellar space travel.  They demanded Playboy’s Miss April 1962 through Miss August 1963, and I said no.  I could not in good conscious, forfeit the lives of America’s hottest babes, no matter what the prize.  I considered the proposed trade barbarous, illegal, against our most sacred values, and, on a personal level, I was banging seven of those bunnies at the time and couldn’t spare a single one.

Now, onto the issue of this ah, so called “Occupy Wall Street” business.  My father, Joesph Kennedy Sr., made his fortune on Wall Street, gaining millions through insider trading and market manipulation.  Now, er uh, these “practices” were not illegal before the stock market crash of 29, and, this is true, he avoided the crash by selling his investments when the boy shining his shoes started to give him stock tips.  I believe that boys name was Jimmy, and he never did in fact, make it to California.  Anyway, with the rest of the country reeling from the Great Depression, father took his money and did the only sensible thing, pouring it all into real estate and illegal bootlegging.  Now, I have no fear, or shame, in disclosing my father’s rise to wealth and power, after all, you can read all about it on Wikipedia anyway.  It was an interesting read, because father never told us the truth of how he got his money, rather telling us that he earned it all saving the Pope’s life by rescuing him from drowning when the Titanic sank.

The point is, I know the type of men that work on Wall Street.  I’ve been dead for 48 years, but men such as these never change.  They are ruthless egomaniacs with one goal; to bang movie stars in hopes of creating photogenic children who can one day run for president and thus pardon them for all the hookers they suffocated in the trunks of their Bentleys.  This is their dream.

Well I have a different dream.  The first part of my dream is for the creation and enforcement of rules and regulations that properly control the wild excesses we’ve seen take place on Wall Street in the last few decades.  That way, we can revitalize the American economy, put people back to work, and restore the luster and wealth of the nation. With our regained riches it is important to invest heavily in education, especially in mathematics and science.  That way, armed with a first class education, our children can begin construction on the second part of my dream; an interstellar space fleet equipped with the energy-shield piercing photon beams needed to get revenge on the alien bastards who killed me in the first place.  After all, why did you think I wanted to send men to the moon,so they could bring back some goddamned rocks?  No, I wanted to send them there as the first step in preparation for the coming space wars; wars which will pit all of humanity in a desperate struggle for galactic domination against the ugly alien squid people of Xylon Seven.  For in the last assessment, we will be judged NOT, by our ability to unite the masses here on Earth, in peace, but in the violence we inflict on the Xylonians who wish to rule over us with their slimy puckered arms, and steal all our hottest babes for their own sick amusement.  Thank you.